I looked at the date on my last post and realized that it was the day before my father-in-law Lorryn passed away. Who would have thought as I wrote that 24 hours later I would be in the throughs of grief with my family. The "circle of life" so to speak has a power to change our course dramatically within seconds.
So how am I doing? I have to stop and ask myself this frequently these days. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I said goodbye to a wonderful man (who not too many years ago, I would not have attached the word "wonderful" to)! His death was a trauma--happening in the Perkins in Cambridge. Saying goodbye to a loved one is not something you picture doing on the floor of a restaurant. And yet as I stroked Lorryn's head and prayed over him, I noticed the look of absolute peace on his face and just had a sense of everything being okay and the way it is supposed to be. Strange....
And then, I stand on the edge of that same valley with my dad. It just sucks! It is unfair and at times I feel that I cannot do this. It's too much for one family to endure all at once. It is! And yet, I was singing in church a song that repeated "Where you lead me Lord I will follow."...yes, we had smiles on our faces and our hands were raised. Then the Lord spoke to me and reminded me that He leads us through that ugly valley too..would I still go with Him? Could I go through that valley again, or even soon and be okay? Could I?!! I started to cry and said that I would. I don't want to, and it is still unfair, but yes I would. Could I handle yet another funeral and make it? Yes--don't want to, but yes.
And to top it off, the day after my father-in-law's funeral was the day that our eldest member of the household thought appropriate to start a cold war. She has literally been in isolation from the whole household...not eating with us, not communicating---complete and total isolation which carries a message to us. We are unsure what the intent of her messsage is, but the one that is being sent is this--"I am so self-focused and my world is so small that I would choose to be petty and put your household under more unneeded stress while you are enduring the biggest crisis that you have EVER endured. And I am your friend????!!!" This is the message we are hearing, and it is causing a lot of stress and anger.
So that is how I am doing. Anyone care to join me?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A Valuable Lesson
I have been stressed lately. There is plenty going on in my life that is stressful, so one might be tempted to give me permission to just let it be, and to a point I can be gracious to myself, but in this case, I can't. A core thing going on in my home is a lot of selfishness, short-sightedness and self focus..and for more than one person! And I view this, run interference, and get very frustrated! I have been frustrated all week, and I am getting really sick of the crap going on. And so, here is what I have noticed that I am doing. In response to selfishness I see in others, what have I done? Well I would like to give you a godly answer but I can't. I have responded by withholding myself in conversation and compassion---with selfishness. I have seen quite a bit of disrespect going on in the home, and so what have I done? Been a bit disrespectful myself. There are quick tempers and I have simply followed suit. Not productive at all. The very thing I see in others that disgusts me is the VERY thing I use in response to them! WOW---gee great approach Steph! I need to begin to minister in the opposite spirit, and oh man! It is so hard to do! Knee jerk for me is just not the high road unfortunately. Lord, help!
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