Prognosis? Needing a Miracle

 I posted this on my facebook and thought I would share it here as well...

Well, today was the day for dad's CT scan to see if the treatment has worked. Before the oncology team could meet, it was discovered (thanks to the CT), that he has a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung). He was not having any of the major presenting symptoms, so if it were not for the CT, this would have not been discovered at least today! So that is good news. They will be treating him with shots of heparin, most likely Lovenox if my guess is right.
As for the cancer, they are saying that it does not appear that there has been any change in the tumor size. They had a hard time making a 100% definitive on that because the stent he has in place makes it a little hard to read the results, but it does not look as if it has receded. Also, they are saying that he cannot undergo any more chemotherapy because he is still medically unstable and if they do any more, they fear it would kill him. That is not to say that they can't look at this again if his condition stabilizes. One positive thing is that he is doing LESS vomiting which makes life much more comfortable for him. Eating is still a big problem, drinking goes pretty good--so they are continuing to give him nutrients through a pick line.
The really hard news is that they are saying that they expect he only has 6 months to live.
This is obviously hard. 6 months! That flies by so fast. Of course, that is not a set-in-stone timeline. Patient to patient, these things can go very differently.

Now we look at the short-term care and long-term care options. Dad REALLY wants to come home...REALLY! He has been stuck at that facility since the first part of April. He would have to be stable especially with the blood pressure drops and falling and I assume with the nutrition as well.
So your prayers are needed. This morning I only allowed myself to pray for one thing and that was for a miracle. I told God that as the day progressed if I needed to change my request I would. Now I am not sure if I should. We still need a miracle. Essentially as we have known all along, this cancer is not curable in these later stages. But God can do this. I don't know if He will, so I am needing to put one foot in front of the other and walk through this with my family. Strength is needed; grace is needed; joy is needed--it's hard to come by these days. Lorryn's death was a real shock and hit us hard. This was another hard hit for sure.



 

Some things are better left unsaid

I am finding that some people really have a tough time dealing with pain and loss...or the potential of it. It is bad enough when it strikes their life and you can see the tailspin begin. But then there are those awkward moments (and we have all had them), when we face someone else's pain and loss, and we have no idea what to say, or if we should say anything at all, but yet feel that we should say something! UGH! Well I was on the receiving end of a moment like this last week...and I have had a few of those since my dad's diagnosis.
I was giving someone an update on my dad, and it was not a great update. None of them have been lately :( Anyway, the person I was talking to has been acquainted with much pain and loss in her own life and so her ability to empathize should be intact. I found out quite differently. When she heard the misery my dad was in and of course the impact it is having on me, she replied, "Well this is going to sound harsh,...but you know, he chose this! He really did!" My first instinct was to agree because I am a realist to the max. Yep, I get it...he chose to smoke in spite of the warnings. Yep, got it! But did he chose this? Really? Did he choose to gag and vomit daily? Did he choose to not be able to eat? Did he choose to essentially be starving, losing 85 lbs. in a matter of months? Did he choose to develop a pulmonary embolism? Did he choose to pass out and fall to the ground? Did he? The realist in me says yes. The daughter in me says no! No one would choose this.
Sadly, the person who said this to me is a person who ministers to people who are victim/survivors of suicide. Does she give this word of "comfort" to the families who have been abandoned to suicide? Well, they chose it, right?
Some things are better left unsaid.

Defined

I have defined myself today. One might caution about labeling or defining oneself and I generally agree. However, sometimes I think it really helps to sit down and figure yourself out...if that is possible. So here it is, in a word (from Webster's Dictionary):

Definition of DISJOINTED
1a : being thrown out of orderly function b : lacking coherence or orderly sequence

This is me! Oh my goodness, this is me! I have days here and there where I say I am disjointed, but lately this is the rule. I feel as if I am floating from event to event, crisis to crisis, person to person, project to project. There is little sense of cohesion. I get this way when I am in crisis mode or just plain overwhelmed. And I am both.

I knew this cancer stuff was going to be a wild ride, but until you are in the thick middle of it, you cannot possibly know just how wild. Things you NEVER thought of, happen. It is a season of tremendous "unexpecteds." Unfortunately, most of them are not positive and so, you catch your breath each time the phone rings or you get an update. I know this needs to drive me deeper into the arms of my Jesus, but I am so out of focus I scarcely know how to even do that. So yes, I have pegged myself....now what?