Tempted to worry

Yes I am tempted.  I am on the precipice of worry and anxiety.  It has been such a long journey with my dad's cancer, and yet, it has only been about a year.  It feels like five.  There has been this wonderful reprieve that we have had where his health has IMPROVED in so many ways.  He is no longer nauseated.  He eats!!  He is in physical therapy every week--pool and gym and has gained his strength.  His blood pressure is better--no more passing out...still some dizziness and "waviness" but all in all--better.  He sounds strong; he looks strong....BUT that stupid tumor is still there.  Last word was that it had not changed and that the stent is in place doing it's thing.  BUT, dad has been having a harder time eating lately, vomiting about every 4th meal.  He feels as if the food gets stuck and then it just comes up.  The next meal he can be perfectly fine but admits he is scared to eat.  I can't blame him, I would be too!  And he feels pressure some times in his chest area.  I can only assume it is the cancer.  I want to believe it is ANYTHING else, and at times when new stuff has presented, it is something else.  But when you have cancer, your knee jerk with new symptoms is to fear that the cancer is spreading or taking over.  I have heard this is common.  I have been pushing fear back and have been riding the wave we have been on, but it is wanting to choke me.

I realize that I have been protecting myself.  I have been in a state of semi denial about dad's cancer, but when that wall is invaded, it hits hard and fast.  For example, we lost a church friend just before Christmas to cancer.  He was a trooper--always up, always positive, always fighting.  And then he had a bad spell and I tell you I saw the change in him.  I teared up every time I saw him.  He lost his fight.  His color started to go.  He didn't even have the strength to talk.  My heart broke, because I saw this same stuff on my dad when he was essentially dying.  I knew it was coming though I didn't want to believe it--my state of semi-denial.  And then he was gone.  We weren't home for the funeral, and in some ways I am glad because I don't know how I would have handled it.  Duane's story has paralleled my dad's in a lot of ways.

I know our story could and most likely will change soon.  If the Lord does not choose to heal this cancer, it will not just hang out forever.  He may be a candidate for surgery, and he may not.  We find out on the 23rd of this month.  I just don't know...I am not giving up.  I think I am just bracing myself for the next leg.  I hesitate to fall into that pit of grief again...when we barely climbed out.  And worry and anxiety are a knockin'.  Pray with me that I can lay it down in the lap of my Lord...and lay me down there too.  And keep praying for another miracle!