Creepy or Normal?

OK there is this issue which really doesn't qualify as an issue because it is some one's life experience right now.  And I am struggling with it, and I do but don't understand why it bugs me so much.  SO here goes.  My dad died on October 25th, 2012.  A woman our family knew died just 5 days before my dad, a victim of cancer.  She and her husband had been married for many years--happily.  The husband is a minister and missionary--great guy.  But here is where it gets strange for me.  Not long after his wife died, he and a mutual friend of ours started dating.  She is a widow and far from hanging it up. :)  She too is a great lady--actually was a huge support for our family during my dad's sickness and death as her husband had died from the same type of cancer that my dad had.   I look at their new found relationship and I am offended.  I can't seem to get past it!  These people are not my family--I have NO reason to be personally offended.  I have even talked to the woman because I had made a comment about their relationship that was true to how I was feeling, but not very nice :(  I told her that she had no reason to explain herself to me and that I even could see how God might have put this relationship together.  I told her that the offense for me was as a daughter.  TO ME ( a daughter who just lost her dad in the same time frame might I add), it seems dishonoring to the dead wife that her husband of decades would even be LOOKING for a new love that soon after she passed.  JUST DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT.  Seems creepy.  I cannot even wrap my head around it.  If Jeremy died, I honestly believe it would take me YEARS to even consider another husband.  But weeks?  Or a few short months?  DON'T get it...As a daughter, I would be p'od if my mom made that move.

The weird part, is that I am somewhat happy for them.  I can only imagine that deep cavern of loneliness after losing a spouse.  I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to entertain that you could love again and be happy again--AND move out of that deep place of grief and emptiness.  But months after losing your spouse?  No.  Not for me (I don't think anyway).  I know my deceased husband would probably not care a bit what I did.  But I would.  And I don't think I would go about it this way.  I know I need to let this offense go.  It strikes a nerve for me, but it is not MY offense and I can't carry it.  And yes, I do serve a God who is not predictable, so could He have put this together?  Yes.  But.....

It's Only Going to Get Better. I Promise.

Those are the words that my dad spoke to my niece when he was on hospice.  Did it get better?  Well, no.  But yes.  Such a dichotomy that I wrestle with almost daily.  I weave in and out of normal and grief.  There really is no "happy" spot for me where my dad's death is concerned.  Do I know he is "better?"  Did his statement ultimately come true?  Yes.....and no.  I just miss him.  I wish he were here to enjoy the fact that he was cancer free.  Dang it!  I am telling you that death is a crazy, confusing, awful and awesome experience.  It is one of the most emotionally deep spots that I have ever gone into.  At times it feels like an bottomless pit of sorrow and tears.  Then there are days where you enjoy the normal stuff of life--without the crisis of cancer invading your every thought and moment.  Really I think it is simply a matter of how you process...in a given moment on a given day.  To be able to even have a shred of perspective when you lose your dad is great, but still not easy and certainly not fun.  UGH.

Trainwrecks

I live in a glass house.  My life is up for scrutiny and  by the women that live in my home on a daily basis.  Let me tell you, it can be exhausting.  Knowing that your every move as a wife, mom, care provider, woman is watched and assessed daily.  UGH.  Most days I can just ducks-back it, but the last few days there has been an air or rather a cloud of negativity hovering in the atmosphere of my home--mostly sourcing from these lovely trainwrecks I call friends.  Please don't get me wrong, I love these ladies.  They are great, but there are just times when I am so painfully aware of their criticism and it sucks.  No, it hurts.  There lives are wrecked--and it is a beautiful place of regrowth.  But when the cards are not in their favor sometimes they look to criticize others to make themselves feel a little bit better.  I get it.  I do it too.  But to be the recipient of it is NO FUN.  Let that be a reminder to myself.  And once again, I am sorry for the rant.  I do hope that someday I can use this blog for another purpose :)