It's Only Going to Get Better. I Promise.

Those are the words that my dad spoke to my niece when he was on hospice.  Did it get better?  Well, no.  But yes.  Such a dichotomy that I wrestle with almost daily.  I weave in and out of normal and grief.  There really is no "happy" spot for me where my dad's death is concerned.  Do I know he is "better?"  Did his statement ultimately come true?  Yes.....and no.  I just miss him.  I wish he were here to enjoy the fact that he was cancer free.  Dang it!  I am telling you that death is a crazy, confusing, awful and awesome experience.  It is one of the most emotionally deep spots that I have ever gone into.  At times it feels like an bottomless pit of sorrow and tears.  Then there are days where you enjoy the normal stuff of life--without the crisis of cancer invading your every thought and moment.  Really I think it is simply a matter of how you process...in a given moment on a given day.  To be able to even have a shred of perspective when you lose your dad is great, but still not easy and certainly not fun.  UGH.