Tomorrow

And tomorrow...or whenever I post again, it will have nothing to do with cancer! :)

Today

Today I am in a weird spot. The only word I can give is melancholy. I am lethargic, teary and just blah. Today I was driving and the new anniversary version of I Can Only Imagine came on. It moved me to tears and I found myself LONGING for home, LONGING to be rid of this world. And then in the next instant I felt guilty for wanting to leave my babies and my family! I feel so heavy like I have a load of emotions to dump somewhere.
And then I talked to dad, and his first day was positive. Radiation went well, port insertion went well and he ate 2 huge meals with no problem! This is amazing! I was so blessed and then I started crying because I know that there will be terribly hopeful days and terribly dreadful days ahead. I know I have to take this a day at a time, but how do you do that when one day can look 100% opposite of the next? How do you maintain any sense of normal, of balance with this stuff?
I do long for the arms of my Jesus, and if I can't have Heaven just yet, then I guess He is going to have to hold me now because I gotta land somewhere.



By the way, this is not the anniversary edition, but the video is sooo good!

Treatment Begins

Well, here we go. Dad starts his treatment plan on Monday. We bring him down tomorrow night to get him checked in and set up. We got the prognosis and the plan earlier this week, and to say the least, I have been in a fog ever since. I have still been recovering from this illness which has wiped me out too. I have not even really wanted to give an update, because I guess I am just exhausted talking about it! People mean well...they do. And because of that, as the family, we are constantly asked, "How is your dad?" This is great, don't get me wrong, but it is exhausting to rehash bad news over and over again. So here is the news in a nutshell. Dad will start a very aggressive treatment plan which will involve a 24/7 pump of chemo drugs via a port. I think this is called a "fanny pack." Then he also will have radiation blasts 5 days per week. Those sessions only last about 15 minutes each, but still painful and icky. He also will have 6 hour chemotherapy sessions at least 1x per week. Yikes! I hope and pray he can hold up. This is going to be hard on him to say the least. Physically, he is strong. His blood work is good and his overall health is good, so I think they think he can handle this. But mentally and emotionally? WOW! All this in addition to the fact that he will be living down at the VA away from his family. This adds a huge dimension to the toll this will undoubtedly take on him. I am concerned for him. AND of course then I want to DO as much as I can. That's how I cope, but I also have to be realistic. I have a lot of responsibilities here at home that will not just go away. I guess I just don't want him to feel alone, isolated, and abandoned.
And for the prognosis. This is where it gets hard. Even with all of this dad only has a 27% chance...and that, only for a 5 year survival rate. In a nutshell, this cancer doesn't go into remission like others do. Why that is, I don't know. But it sucks! He is stage 4 (out of 5). They basically make it their goal to improve or maintain quality of life, but they cannot make this crap go away.
BUT, we love and serve a miracle working God. Dad can become a miracle. I believe this with everything in me. And if not, then he is a 70 year old man facing impending death. I am thankful he is not a 40 or 50 year old in this position. There is some solace there, strangely. Prayers are needed more than ever....for all of us.

Could this go any s...l...o....w....e....r?

Ok, I am starting to get on board with my brother on the need for the cancer fast track. Dad has been having an increasingly hard time with the eating and/or vomiting. Now he is vomiting in between "meals" (if you can call them that). PET scan-check. Results? Well? Maybe? IF they are in (which they should be), the doctors are seeming to prefer to give the detailed account on Monday when he has another full day of consultations/preparations for treatment. Come on already! Can we get this show on the road? This is an aggressive cancer, and what if by them waiting even a week, it could spread?! I am getting anxious, I know. And yet, I also know there are no guarantees even if he had already started treatment. I get that, but the waiting game seems a more dangerous game of Russian roulette to me. I am not sure I am able to go with on Monday to his appointments, but I am so sure he better come home with a start date for treatment because this wait just plain SUCKS!

Laura Story - Blessings [HQ]

This song is amazing! And so fitting for what my family is going through right now. I love how music can express what often my words cannot. May God's name be glorified through the trials he has entrusted us with today.

Tired

I don't know if I am strange or what, but it took me talking with Sarah for hours to realize just what a week I have had, and why it prompted my husband to ask me if I was depressed! My answer to him was, "I don't think so." But I knew I was at minimum flat-lining. Well after talking to Sarah, I realized that my week was nuts. I had sick kids which prompted 2 trips to clinics with long waits, a tooth flair up which resulted in an extraction for me, and my dad's VA appointment, refinancing on the house, and our excursion to the psych ward which resulted in us taking home a new Selah gal--all from Saturday to Saturday! Talk about nuts! Oh! And and I also bumped into my half brother in North Branch who might I add I have NEVER bumped into in public EVER! Talk about awkward! I have not seen him in person since my high school graduation which was in 1991! And I had the "privilege" of telling him about dad's cancer. And dealing with my other brother regarding my dad and his treatment plan which is just not moving quickly enough for my brother. WOW! I guess the serving on my plate was heaping for one week. And the normal stuff of life just doesn't stop for all of this now does it? I need a break badly.