A New Point of Reference

A few months ago I would say that my point of reference was one of hope mixed in with a pretty strong dose of worry.  When someone you love dearly is sick for a long. long time I think you move between those two pendulums frequently.  I did.  There were so many times I prayed hopeful prayers for healing and restoration of my dad's health and even in the midst of worry I would pray that direction.  There were so many wonderful times too--times that he would defy all of the odds set against him and LIVE ON.  Times the doctors would scratch their heads and say, "We have no idea why he survived THAT."  Those were the moments where you humbly hit your knees in gratitude to our powerful God.  We were so thankful that God was at work in my dad's life to bring testimony to Jesus--over and over again.  Towards the end, though I would still pray those hopeful prayers, there was a hint of desperation in them.  "Lord, please, I beg you"...prayers.  I so did not want my dad to go.  And he had defied the odds so many times, I honestly think I believed he could and would ultimately and walk out of that hospital one day.  The final few weeks were pretty indicative to the opposite.  He was not getting better.  They had to keep him pretty doped up to be comfortable.  The pneumonia kept returning.  His body got weaker.  My prayers changed.  Yes I still prayed for that miracle--one last miracle.  But the flavor of my prayers was simply, "Have mercy, Lord."   We would get our bright moments--the times when he was awake and fairly stable.  We would get his signature "turtle" faces, the hand squeezes, kisses.  He was still there,and it was so very special every time we would get those little gifts of Herschel--so very precious.
The thing that keeps tripping me up is this--HE FOUGHT SO HARD to have this surgery, and dang it!  He didn't fight this hard to lay in a bed the entire time only to die.  I don't get it.  I do not get why God allowed, orchestrated, made things happen the way they did.  Just don't get it.  Yes there is a deep trust that I have in my Abba, knowing that He knows so much more that I do.  Perhaps my dad's death NOW was an answer to those "Have Mercy" prayers.  I know this, but I also know that this daughter is missing her dad, is upset that he didn't get his earthly victory that he fought so hard for.  I know I will be okay, but my point of reference lately is simply one of grief and sadness.  This was a long journey and this wasn't the end I had hoped for.