Long

Well I have already posted a long note on my facebook with all of the gory details of the doctor visits today. I am not wanting to rehash it again on here. Is there a way to get a facebook to share with blogger? Don't know. Anyway, though it was a long day with several appointments and MUCH information, I can say I feel at peace tonight. I am confident in the care that dad is already receiving and will continue to receive is great care. We need prayer. There appears to be some warfare going on here at home. Lots of sickness and a bit of drama. We need prayer to stay strong and the enemy just needs to back off!

Matthew West Broken Girl

Another good one

A day at the psych ward

We spent a good portion of the day at a psych ward in the cities. I have to admit, I am a bit fascinated every time we go to one (yes, we hang with some interesting people). I look around at the people there and wonder what is their story? I see the desperation and desolation in their eyes. Intriguing, yes, and sobering too. One woman there went ballistic and we even felt like we could be in harms way (she was eyeballing us and even bumped into my mom when the staff was trying to get her controlled)....In a place like this, it is easy to lose heart and feel hopeless with what you see. Yet even these are not beyond the reach of our Jesus.

The wounded...wound (and they miss out)

It really disturbs me when people cannot step outside of themselves for just a second and open their eyes and see things for how they really are instead of through some grid of thier own making! Now I know that it is said that people who are wounded, wound others. But my word! Wake up!! People have worth and beauty regardless if they rub us the wrong way. They need attention and ministry despite the fact that they have strange personalities or are not socially put together! Children need to be seen and heard...etc. etc. If we would just break out of our narrow little thinking and preferences for just a moment, we might find a beautiful connection with another human soul. But instead we prefer to stay safe (and stuck, might I add), in our own tiny little world....and we miss out on only God knows what?! Not to mention, we wound and scar. So sad.
This song expresses it well.

Good news in the cancer department

Well today my dad went for his CT scan and the results are promising! The doctors are saying that the cancer is localized! There are a few lymph nodes that are "questionable" but they are still saying LOCALIZED! This is as good of news as could be expected other than them finding no tumor at all :). There is a sigh of relief coming from all of us along with "Praise the Lord!". Of course it is far from over....they are likely going to start treatment with chemo and radiation with the goal being to shrink the tumor before they look at surgery. Whew! There have been tons of people praying and we are so grateful!
And me...well, I am holding up ok. I am finding my emotions, which can be hard for me with stuff like this. It has been said that my mom is emotionally sterile, and that I am only disinfected. She still is struggling to connect the dots emotionally, so she needs prayer there. I have discovered what a great place the shower is when you need to cry...the tears and snot just wash down the drain. It has also been good for me to get feedback from others about my dad. Lately I have been frustrated with him and tend to color the whole picture black, but just hearing from others how he has impacted them over the years has caused me to remember that he has helped and inspired so many. He's a good guy with a big heart. Now he has a big tumor...thank God that He is bigger! Praise God!

Discussions over coffee

This is the flavor of the discussions in my home right now:
Me (to my mom)--"There is still LIFE to be lived even in the face of DEATH."
Mom--"That's right.' I am not going to let cancer drive my bus! As a matter of fact, we are going to assign this thing with a lower case "c" and not let it become bigger than it should be."

Here is to allowing cancer to ride as a passenger on the bus with hopes that we can kick it off at one stop along the way!

Gotta dump this once and for all

I have to get this off of my chest, because it is angering me and I gotta dump it. It wasn't until after I got home from the doctor appointment with my dad that I realized what an awkward and inappropriate position the medical staff there put us in. I had to sign in when we first got there so they knew dad had a ride home after his procedure. Okay, fine. Then after his procedure...now mind you I know nothing at this point, a nurse walks out with him to the packed full waiting room and she is holding a clipboard. They approach me she asks if I am dad's RIDE and would I sign the clipboard so they know he is going home with someone. Okay, yep. Now I am waiting for someone to say let's go into such and such a room to discuss the results of the scope right? Um, no...the nurse walks away and I am left in the packed full waiting room with my visibly shaken dad who has to tell me THERE! How incredibly innappropriate. Things of this nature should not be handled this way! I don't care how busy you are or how many people are in the waiting room, when a man and his family are being told that cancer is now their reality, could you slap on an ounce of compassion and tell them in private. So instead, we had to deal with this blow with all kinds of people watching and listening and even throwing in their 2 cents! My word! Agent Orange, I will call him, piped in telling us his experience with his AO related cancer. Are you flippin' serious. Yes sir, I feel for you, but right now all of the blood in my body has flown to my feet and I am not sure I can drive my dad home. WOW! Not cool.

The "C" word

As I alluded to in my last post, it is not supposed to happen. Those parents of ours are all just supposed to be static people in our lives. Today my reality is a little more real. We just found out yesterday that my dad has cancer of the esophagus. The short of it--a large tumor in his esophagus which has made it virtually impossible for him to eat and even drink.
I am such a mixed bag right now, I don't even know where to begin. All at once, I am sad, scared, normal, settled, angry, confused. But on the outside, my composure it pretty even. You might not guess my emotional state by just looking. So forgive me if I laugh at funny things, cry spontaneaously, or get pissed. I guess it's normal, but then, what is when cancer invades your life? I do feel, and I feel deeply. I do love, and I love deeply. It's just the space between my head and my heart isn't as short as it seems. I need to weep. I need to scream. And I need people to ask how I am even if I don't want to think about it. My temptation is to want to normalize, but there is nothing normal about cancer...and for that matter, there is nothing normal with grappling with the death of a parent. This just sucks!

They're always supposed to be there

As a child, even a 38 year old child, somehow you always think of your life as including your parents. It is so hard to even imagine your life without them there. They are just always supposed to be there. Well today, I am having one of those moments where I have just been hit with the reality that they won't. And it frickin' sucks!