As I alluded to in my last post, it is not supposed to happen. Those parents of ours are all just supposed to be static people in our lives. Today my reality is a little more real. We just found out yesterday that my dad has cancer of the esophagus. The short of it--a large tumor in his esophagus which has made it virtually impossible for him to eat and even drink.
I am such a mixed bag right now, I don't even know where to begin. All at once, I am sad, scared, normal, settled, angry, confused. But on the outside, my composure it pretty even. You might not guess my emotional state by just looking. So forgive me if I laugh at funny things, cry spontaneaously, or get pissed. I guess it's normal, but then, what is when cancer invades your life? I do feel, and I feel deeply. I do love, and I love deeply. It's just the space between my head and my heart isn't as short as it seems. I need to weep. I need to scream. And I need people to ask how I am even if I don't want to think about it. My temptation is to want to normalize, but there is nothing normal about cancer...and for that matter, there is nothing normal with grappling with the death of a parent. This just sucks!
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