Tomorrow...ugh

Well tomorrow is a day I have not looked forward to.  One person whom I know pretty well IS looking forward to it quite excitedly.  I hope apprehensively as well.  He is getting out of jail.  I know I sound callous NOT being thrilled that a friend is finally getting out of jail--what a relief--whew!  Why am I not happy for him?  Because I don't think he got it.  He went to jail for very serious offenses against people.  These offenses hurt scores more people than the victims themselves.  He was a leader, a mentor, a counselor, a friend.  And he blew it--miserably.  It is not that I cannot forgive.  I can.  I do.  I have...and I will continue.  But I am (sorrily) not convinced that his jail term has taught him "the lessons"  that I feel he needed to learn.  I believe he is an addict.  I believe he is a true to the core narcissist.  Consequently, he has been candidly able to look at himself and how this "journey" has impacted him and his learning, his growth blah blah blah.  What about the hundreds other people?  What about his family?  What about their (our) feelings, our growth, our "journey?"  I know it DOES matter to him, but HE has himself so inflated that he can't see the people around him very well, because he is so...well, fat.  Just reminded me of a scene in Willy Wonka.  Very fitting...

Breathing her own air

My mom is a great lady.  She is tough.  She is wise.  Sometimes, she is even funny.  She is so many things to me.  One thing she said she was not, was a caregiver, a nurse.  But, boy, when dad was sick, she stepped up to the plate in that capacity too--and did a great job.  It was totally out of her element, but when someone you love is ill, you do all you can do in your power to make them better, or even just more comfortable.  She exhausted herself for my dad during his illness.  She was like a warrior in battle--and she would say that is exactly how it felt a lot of the time.  But she was also consumed...
Today, she shared with me that just in the last few days, she is feeling a sense of hope, a new found enjoyment in things that (even prior to dad's illness), she never had.  I know her--she is leery, because, well, life has been so stinking hard for a long time.  To have that exhale can be cause for suspicion.  Can it really get better?  Can I really feel better?  Can I find enjoyment in even silly, little things?  The answer may seem obvious to some, but when you are battle weary and struggling with PTSD, the answer is not so quick in coming.  Yes, mom.  You can.  It is better.  You can exhale.  Yes, you will still cry.  You will still be angry.  You will still grieve.  But your God is so good to you, and He is letting you breathe your own air right now--you don't have to wait by the phone for some ominous announcement anymore.  Dad is ok.  As a matter of fact, he is great.  And we are becoming ok too.  It is a slow process, but I am so thrilled that she is feeling a sense of relief.  I am finishing with this song.  It is a simple, but beautiful song that I came upon last night.  It speaks truth for those who are left behind.

Creepy or Normal?

OK there is this issue which really doesn't qualify as an issue because it is some one's life experience right now.  And I am struggling with it, and I do but don't understand why it bugs me so much.  SO here goes.  My dad died on October 25th, 2012.  A woman our family knew died just 5 days before my dad, a victim of cancer.  She and her husband had been married for many years--happily.  The husband is a minister and missionary--great guy.  But here is where it gets strange for me.  Not long after his wife died, he and a mutual friend of ours started dating.  She is a widow and far from hanging it up. :)  She too is a great lady--actually was a huge support for our family during my dad's sickness and death as her husband had died from the same type of cancer that my dad had.   I look at their new found relationship and I am offended.  I can't seem to get past it!  These people are not my family--I have NO reason to be personally offended.  I have even talked to the woman because I had made a comment about their relationship that was true to how I was feeling, but not very nice :(  I told her that she had no reason to explain herself to me and that I even could see how God might have put this relationship together.  I told her that the offense for me was as a daughter.  TO ME ( a daughter who just lost her dad in the same time frame might I add), it seems dishonoring to the dead wife that her husband of decades would even be LOOKING for a new love that soon after she passed.  JUST DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT.  Seems creepy.  I cannot even wrap my head around it.  If Jeremy died, I honestly believe it would take me YEARS to even consider another husband.  But weeks?  Or a few short months?  DON'T get it...As a daughter, I would be p'od if my mom made that move.

The weird part, is that I am somewhat happy for them.  I can only imagine that deep cavern of loneliness after losing a spouse.  I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to entertain that you could love again and be happy again--AND move out of that deep place of grief and emptiness.  But months after losing your spouse?  No.  Not for me (I don't think anyway).  I know my deceased husband would probably not care a bit what I did.  But I would.  And I don't think I would go about it this way.  I know I need to let this offense go.  It strikes a nerve for me, but it is not MY offense and I can't carry it.  And yes, I do serve a God who is not predictable, so could He have put this together?  Yes.  But.....

It's Only Going to Get Better. I Promise.

Those are the words that my dad spoke to my niece when he was on hospice.  Did it get better?  Well, no.  But yes.  Such a dichotomy that I wrestle with almost daily.  I weave in and out of normal and grief.  There really is no "happy" spot for me where my dad's death is concerned.  Do I know he is "better?"  Did his statement ultimately come true?  Yes.....and no.  I just miss him.  I wish he were here to enjoy the fact that he was cancer free.  Dang it!  I am telling you that death is a crazy, confusing, awful and awesome experience.  It is one of the most emotionally deep spots that I have ever gone into.  At times it feels like an bottomless pit of sorrow and tears.  Then there are days where you enjoy the normal stuff of life--without the crisis of cancer invading your every thought and moment.  Really I think it is simply a matter of how you process...in a given moment on a given day.  To be able to even have a shred of perspective when you lose your dad is great, but still not easy and certainly not fun.  UGH.

Trainwrecks

I live in a glass house.  My life is up for scrutiny and  by the women that live in my home on a daily basis.  Let me tell you, it can be exhausting.  Knowing that your every move as a wife, mom, care provider, woman is watched and assessed daily.  UGH.  Most days I can just ducks-back it, but the last few days there has been an air or rather a cloud of negativity hovering in the atmosphere of my home--mostly sourcing from these lovely trainwrecks I call friends.  Please don't get me wrong, I love these ladies.  They are great, but there are just times when I am so painfully aware of their criticism and it sucks.  No, it hurts.  There lives are wrecked--and it is a beautiful place of regrowth.  But when the cards are not in their favor sometimes they look to criticize others to make themselves feel a little bit better.  I get it.  I do it too.  But to be the recipient of it is NO FUN.  Let that be a reminder to myself.  And once again, I am sorry for the rant.  I do hope that someday I can use this blog for another purpose :)

Normal Interactions....YAY!

Yep.  I suck at this blogging thing.  Busy?  Yes.  Tired?  Yes.  Scattered?  Sometimes.  But anyway, I do need this place to vent, to puke, to explore.  Mostly vent :/  So here goes.  I live with people who are challenged.  I don't say that to be funny.  It really is true.  Besides from the children--who need constant input, correction and need-meeting.  I have my "big kids" who are just that--big kids.  They are immature and even arrested in many ways.  Most are also mentally ill and/ have other debilitating issues. On the addiction end, when you start using, you are emotionally arrested at that age.  It can be corrected as you get further and further from your addictive substances, but it can be a painfully slow process.  I have seen it go somewhat quickly--it depends on the person.  But I tell you, it also depends on the adults willingness to grow up.  Let's get real.  It is nice to be ignorant, and on the "meet my needs" end.  Growing up and maturing is not easy.  So my point?  Sometimes I realize how this affects me when the bulk of my adult relationships--or at least the concentration of them are with adults who are limited in this way.  I FORGET HOW NORMAL, MATURE people are!!!  I am not kidding.  The other day I was working with some "normal" people on a big project.  One of them was new to the process and she had several questions.  She asked.  I answered and SHE GOT IT!  At one point I had a moment where I asked myself, "Self, why was that so easy?"  Now this may seem dumb to you.  Because this is a normal interaction.  But when I give direction it is usually met with blank stares, I don't want too's, I'm gonna's, I will get to it's, or just overt don't get it's-please explain it to me 3 different ways on 3 different days.  And then there is the stubborn rebellion stuff too.  For me to give direction ONE TIME and for someone to understand it and do it--is absolutely amazing.  No joke.  I need to hang with these adults a little more.  I love my peeps, but...WOW.

Life and Pain. They both go on...

You know, this grieving process really sucks.  I will say it again.  I wish grieving were an event and not a process.  Just when you think "normal life" just might have returned, a trigger just lays you out.  Tonight, I was in my "Sent Mail" folder and realized one of my kids had just sent an email to grandpa :(  It simply read, "I miss you grandpa :(.  INSTANT flood of tears.  I was hit by a wave of sadness and anger.  WHY WHY WHY has my family had to endure so much loss this last two years?  Why can't my girls have any of their grandpas at their weddings?  Why did Jeremy have to lose his dad and me mine all within two years?!  I know their are logical answers to these questions, but logic rarely speaks to the hurting heart.  I just am missing my dad...and apparently so are my kids.  UGH :(