A New Point of Reference

A few months ago I would say that my point of reference was one of hope mixed in with a pretty strong dose of worry.  When someone you love dearly is sick for a long. long time I think you move between those two pendulums frequently.  I did.  There were so many times I prayed hopeful prayers for healing and restoration of my dad's health and even in the midst of worry I would pray that direction.  There were so many wonderful times too--times that he would defy all of the odds set against him and LIVE ON.  Times the doctors would scratch their heads and say, "We have no idea why he survived THAT."  Those were the moments where you humbly hit your knees in gratitude to our powerful God.  We were so thankful that God was at work in my dad's life to bring testimony to Jesus--over and over again.  Towards the end, though I would still pray those hopeful prayers, there was a hint of desperation in them.  "Lord, please, I beg you"...prayers.  I so did not want my dad to go.  And he had defied the odds so many times, I honestly think I believed he could and would ultimately and walk out of that hospital one day.  The final few weeks were pretty indicative to the opposite.  He was not getting better.  They had to keep him pretty doped up to be comfortable.  The pneumonia kept returning.  His body got weaker.  My prayers changed.  Yes I still prayed for that miracle--one last miracle.  But the flavor of my prayers was simply, "Have mercy, Lord."   We would get our bright moments--the times when he was awake and fairly stable.  We would get his signature "turtle" faces, the hand squeezes, kisses.  He was still there,and it was so very special every time we would get those little gifts of Herschel--so very precious.
The thing that keeps tripping me up is this--HE FOUGHT SO HARD to have this surgery, and dang it!  He didn't fight this hard to lay in a bed the entire time only to die.  I don't get it.  I do not get why God allowed, orchestrated, made things happen the way they did.  Just don't get it.  Yes there is a deep trust that I have in my Abba, knowing that He knows so much more that I do.  Perhaps my dad's death NOW was an answer to those "Have Mercy" prayers.  I know this, but I also know that this daughter is missing her dad, is upset that he didn't get his earthly victory that he fought so hard for.  I know I will be okay, but my point of reference lately is simply one of grief and sadness.  This was a long journey and this wasn't the end I had hoped for.

Need to Write

I have been burning with a need to write...for me there is a purging emotionally that happens when I do.  But to be honest, I have been avoiding it.  I do believe that I want to do it in the context of blogging, but I have SO much to say that I don't know where to begin.  Life has been so terribly, horribly heavy and sad lately.  So many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories, so many fears....SO MUCH LOSS.  And yet, I see immense beauty in all of this mess of pain--beauty that could not have been beheld if it were not for the tragedies.   Just yesterday, we learned that one of our former Selah House ladies died.  She was a young lady who was doing so well.  I don't yet know what the cause of her death was, but I honestly feel that I cannot deal with more loss, more death, more sadness.  I feel like I could choke on the heaviness in my heart some days.  So bear with me friends.  I have been on a journey and it has not been a fun one.  I need to gather my thoughts and emotions and I need to get it out.  Sadly, I do not know if this journey is over.  My emotions tell me there is a long way to go.  Just feeling very, very sad tonight... I leave you with this song that has ministered to me in this dark place.  Listen to the lyrics.  They are amazing.

Messed up Messy People

I admit, I love messed up people.  And I love to get in the middle of their messes hoping to bring the light of Christ to shine on the mess, expose it for what it is, and help them to move forward OUT of the mess!  Great fun!  But lately I have been dealing with messed up people (nothing new for this gal) who don't see how messed up they are.  They look in the mirror and see one put together chick.  Wow!  I have one person in my life right now who is this way, and very defensive to boot. She bugs the crap out of me!! So I have been asking myself why does this one out of all of the messed up messes I deal with bug me so bad??  I am beginning to realize it isn't how messed up she is that bothers me.  What bothers me is that she doesn't see it!  Unfortunately what I am getting at is that she thinks she is put together, got a handle on her life etc.  What would be cool is if she looked in the mirror and saw what Christ sees and saw the potential Christ has for her and that was INSPIRING her to be put together.  But this isn't it at all! Her warped self perception is getting in the way--causing monstrous denial.  She cannot reckon with the mess she has made--she cannot take a hard look at her warts and blemishes.  Why?  I think it terrifies her.  I think she thinks if she does she will reel in horror and not be able to recover. And you know, I have been there in spots/seasons in my life too.  It is a lot of work to try to maneuver around a big mess and tell yourself it is "all good."  So maybe that is why it bugs me?  Maybe it hits close to home.  Maybe I am like her in a lot of ways?  I don't know.  Right now, I am just bugged beyond measure--highly irritated.  I almost shudder when I have to interact with her.  It is bad!  I don't like to feel this way.  I even have caught myself praying that I don't have to deal with this individual any longer.  AND there is that possibility that I am not supposed to!  I do know I have to look within and I have to go to God with this one, because this is soooo common.  I guess I would just like to deal with the ones who are really messed up messes who SEE it and want to DEAL with it.  That is so amazingly fun to be a part of the transformation!

Tempted to worry

Yes I am tempted.  I am on the precipice of worry and anxiety.  It has been such a long journey with my dad's cancer, and yet, it has only been about a year.  It feels like five.  There has been this wonderful reprieve that we have had where his health has IMPROVED in so many ways.  He is no longer nauseated.  He eats!!  He is in physical therapy every week--pool and gym and has gained his strength.  His blood pressure is better--no more passing out...still some dizziness and "waviness" but all in all--better.  He sounds strong; he looks strong....BUT that stupid tumor is still there.  Last word was that it had not changed and that the stent is in place doing it's thing.  BUT, dad has been having a harder time eating lately, vomiting about every 4th meal.  He feels as if the food gets stuck and then it just comes up.  The next meal he can be perfectly fine but admits he is scared to eat.  I can't blame him, I would be too!  And he feels pressure some times in his chest area.  I can only assume it is the cancer.  I want to believe it is ANYTHING else, and at times when new stuff has presented, it is something else.  But when you have cancer, your knee jerk with new symptoms is to fear that the cancer is spreading or taking over.  I have heard this is common.  I have been pushing fear back and have been riding the wave we have been on, but it is wanting to choke me.

I realize that I have been protecting myself.  I have been in a state of semi denial about dad's cancer, but when that wall is invaded, it hits hard and fast.  For example, we lost a church friend just before Christmas to cancer.  He was a trooper--always up, always positive, always fighting.  And then he had a bad spell and I tell you I saw the change in him.  I teared up every time I saw him.  He lost his fight.  His color started to go.  He didn't even have the strength to talk.  My heart broke, because I saw this same stuff on my dad when he was essentially dying.  I knew it was coming though I didn't want to believe it--my state of semi-denial.  And then he was gone.  We weren't home for the funeral, and in some ways I am glad because I don't know how I would have handled it.  Duane's story has paralleled my dad's in a lot of ways.

I know our story could and most likely will change soon.  If the Lord does not choose to heal this cancer, it will not just hang out forever.  He may be a candidate for surgery, and he may not.  We find out on the 23rd of this month.  I just don't know...I am not giving up.  I think I am just bracing myself for the next leg.  I hesitate to fall into that pit of grief again...when we barely climbed out.  And worry and anxiety are a knockin'.  Pray with me that I can lay it down in the lap of my Lord...and lay me down there too.  And keep praying for another miracle!

Crisis Junkies and Drama Queens

We have all probably used these phrases, but have you ever really stopped to think about what you are saying?  Today I did, and oh boy!  Here is what brought it on.  A friend of mine (who, by the way, I would not have labeled a crisis junkie until today), got something that she really "wanted" for a long time.  It was not a material thing, it was an outcome--she had victory.  When she called me to tell me the outcome--her mood was subdued and melancholy.  I honestly assumed that the outcome was not what she had hoped for and it had gone poorly.  Quite the opposite was true!  Whereas she should have been ecstatic and praising God, it was almost as if she were sad.  And then it struck me--she WAS sad.  Now don't get me wrong, I do believe she did want this thing to turn out the way it did, but there seems to be a bigger part of her that is grieving the loss of that bad thing to dwell on, complain about, talk about and be upset over.  The crisis is gone and she is sad.  WOW!  So I am rethinking the whole crisis junkie phrase.  I am defining it this way.  A person who is addicted to crisis will actually be more rattled and less stable when circumstances and relationships are the most stable and least rattled!  And so what do they do, they go in search of or CREATE drama or crisis.  They surround themselves with negativity, they complain, they engross and entangle themselves in someone else's yuk, dwell on anything in their lives that they figure is not right (a situation, health problem, morsel of gossip), and that becomes the new thing.  They literally feed on this stuff.  Their reality is literally not right if there is not something wrong~~~YUK!

Life goes on and death...?

Well we're just not sure what's going on.  Life has gone on though there were days I was certain it couldn't.  There is a bit of rhythm back to life.  We have a house full of ladies here at Selah which amazingly is going well in spite of everything else.  We are of the conviction that even in the face of death there are still people who need help and they could themselves be facing death if there isn't a hand reached out to help.  So we have invited them in to our home and our lives and they are journeying with us in this process.  They have been wonderful...praying and helping out while dad has been home.  This thing called the body of Christ and community is an amazing machine!  It works both ways--you give; you take and there can be a sense of harmony even in the midst of chaos.
And chaos there has been.  Dad came home on hospice in May and mom and others cared for him there until just a few weeks ago when he was transferred back to the VA.  He had developed blood clots in both lungs and both legs and was admitted and then transferred to the nursing care facility in St. Cloud where he continues to reside for now.  What a ride that was.  It was wonderful to have him home and he absolutely loved it...but it was very hard especially on mom.  She nearly hurt herself on a few occasions trying to lift or shift him.
So we have journeyed on watching and waiting for what we assumed was an impending death.  And, we have gone from being told dad has days to a week to having him actually improve in some ways.  I feel like I need to land on the death side or the life side but yet I can't because dad's body just hasn't figured out what it wants to do.  And that is okay...it really is.  It is thrilling in so many ways :)  And then I find myself wanting off of the emotional roller coaster (and feeling guilty for feeling that way).  Maybe floating and riding is okay, because when I do get off the coaster...well then it is over.  Not ready for that yet.

The beauty of death

I have been learning about death lately.  I honestly never really thought there was much to it.  I figured it was just "lights out" or that it was a terrible thing to see and that a dead body is creepy.  That's about it. Tonight my family met with a Fairview Hospice Nurse named Jamie.  He spent hours with us talking about my dad and explaining to us the dying process and the grief process.  He listened.  He heard our questions.  He even fielded some anger from us.  And graciously, he was able to identify for us where he believes my dad to be in this process.  His guess..days to weeks.
And so now I have to take a long hard look at death and though I do not like the process, I am almost intrigued to learn that it IS a process.  And as I learn I realize the hand of my Creator even in how He orchestrates the end of life.  In a natural dying process, there is a beautiful rhythm and flow.  There is order and mercy.  Sadly, our heroic interventions can sometimes interrupt this order and make the process terrible for those we love.   It pains me to be a spectator.  I feel so helpless, always questioning if we are doing the right thing.  I hurt for me, for my mom, for my kids, for my whole family.  And yet, dad seems to be the one hurting the least.  When my niece went to go back home tonight, dad hugged her and said,  "It is only going to get better.  I promise."  Enough said for today.