It's Only Going to Get Better. I Promise.

Those are the words that my dad spoke to my niece when he was on hospice.  Did it get better?  Well, no.  But yes.  Such a dichotomy that I wrestle with almost daily.  I weave in and out of normal and grief.  There really is no "happy" spot for me where my dad's death is concerned.  Do I know he is "better?"  Did his statement ultimately come true?  Yes.....and no.  I just miss him.  I wish he were here to enjoy the fact that he was cancer free.  Dang it!  I am telling you that death is a crazy, confusing, awful and awesome experience.  It is one of the most emotionally deep spots that I have ever gone into.  At times it feels like an bottomless pit of sorrow and tears.  Then there are days where you enjoy the normal stuff of life--without the crisis of cancer invading your every thought and moment.  Really I think it is simply a matter of how you process...in a given moment on a given day.  To be able to even have a shred of perspective when you lose your dad is great, but still not easy and certainly not fun.  UGH.

Trainwrecks

I live in a glass house.  My life is up for scrutiny and  by the women that live in my home on a daily basis.  Let me tell you, it can be exhausting.  Knowing that your every move as a wife, mom, care provider, woman is watched and assessed daily.  UGH.  Most days I can just ducks-back it, but the last few days there has been an air or rather a cloud of negativity hovering in the atmosphere of my home--mostly sourcing from these lovely trainwrecks I call friends.  Please don't get me wrong, I love these ladies.  They are great, but there are just times when I am so painfully aware of their criticism and it sucks.  No, it hurts.  There lives are wrecked--and it is a beautiful place of regrowth.  But when the cards are not in their favor sometimes they look to criticize others to make themselves feel a little bit better.  I get it.  I do it too.  But to be the recipient of it is NO FUN.  Let that be a reminder to myself.  And once again, I am sorry for the rant.  I do hope that someday I can use this blog for another purpose :)

Normal Interactions....YAY!

Yep.  I suck at this blogging thing.  Busy?  Yes.  Tired?  Yes.  Scattered?  Sometimes.  But anyway, I do need this place to vent, to puke, to explore.  Mostly vent :/  So here goes.  I live with people who are challenged.  I don't say that to be funny.  It really is true.  Besides from the children--who need constant input, correction and need-meeting.  I have my "big kids" who are just that--big kids.  They are immature and even arrested in many ways.  Most are also mentally ill and/ have other debilitating issues. On the addiction end, when you start using, you are emotionally arrested at that age.  It can be corrected as you get further and further from your addictive substances, but it can be a painfully slow process.  I have seen it go somewhat quickly--it depends on the person.  But I tell you, it also depends on the adults willingness to grow up.  Let's get real.  It is nice to be ignorant, and on the "meet my needs" end.  Growing up and maturing is not easy.  So my point?  Sometimes I realize how this affects me when the bulk of my adult relationships--or at least the concentration of them are with adults who are limited in this way.  I FORGET HOW NORMAL, MATURE people are!!!  I am not kidding.  The other day I was working with some "normal" people on a big project.  One of them was new to the process and she had several questions.  She asked.  I answered and SHE GOT IT!  At one point I had a moment where I asked myself, "Self, why was that so easy?"  Now this may seem dumb to you.  Because this is a normal interaction.  But when I give direction it is usually met with blank stares, I don't want too's, I'm gonna's, I will get to it's, or just overt don't get it's-please explain it to me 3 different ways on 3 different days.  And then there is the stubborn rebellion stuff too.  For me to give direction ONE TIME and for someone to understand it and do it--is absolutely amazing.  No joke.  I need to hang with these adults a little more.  I love my peeps, but...WOW.

Life and Pain. They both go on...

You know, this grieving process really sucks.  I will say it again.  I wish grieving were an event and not a process.  Just when you think "normal life" just might have returned, a trigger just lays you out.  Tonight, I was in my "Sent Mail" folder and realized one of my kids had just sent an email to grandpa :(  It simply read, "I miss you grandpa :(.  INSTANT flood of tears.  I was hit by a wave of sadness and anger.  WHY WHY WHY has my family had to endure so much loss this last two years?  Why can't my girls have any of their grandpas at their weddings?  Why did Jeremy have to lose his dad and me mine all within two years?!  I know their are logical answers to these questions, but logic rarely speaks to the hurting heart.  I just am missing my dad...and apparently so are my kids.  UGH :(

A New Point of Reference

A few months ago I would say that my point of reference was one of hope mixed in with a pretty strong dose of worry.  When someone you love dearly is sick for a long. long time I think you move between those two pendulums frequently.  I did.  There were so many times I prayed hopeful prayers for healing and restoration of my dad's health and even in the midst of worry I would pray that direction.  There were so many wonderful times too--times that he would defy all of the odds set against him and LIVE ON.  Times the doctors would scratch their heads and say, "We have no idea why he survived THAT."  Those were the moments where you humbly hit your knees in gratitude to our powerful God.  We were so thankful that God was at work in my dad's life to bring testimony to Jesus--over and over again.  Towards the end, though I would still pray those hopeful prayers, there was a hint of desperation in them.  "Lord, please, I beg you"...prayers.  I so did not want my dad to go.  And he had defied the odds so many times, I honestly think I believed he could and would ultimately and walk out of that hospital one day.  The final few weeks were pretty indicative to the opposite.  He was not getting better.  They had to keep him pretty doped up to be comfortable.  The pneumonia kept returning.  His body got weaker.  My prayers changed.  Yes I still prayed for that miracle--one last miracle.  But the flavor of my prayers was simply, "Have mercy, Lord."   We would get our bright moments--the times when he was awake and fairly stable.  We would get his signature "turtle" faces, the hand squeezes, kisses.  He was still there,and it was so very special every time we would get those little gifts of Herschel--so very precious.
The thing that keeps tripping me up is this--HE FOUGHT SO HARD to have this surgery, and dang it!  He didn't fight this hard to lay in a bed the entire time only to die.  I don't get it.  I do not get why God allowed, orchestrated, made things happen the way they did.  Just don't get it.  Yes there is a deep trust that I have in my Abba, knowing that He knows so much more that I do.  Perhaps my dad's death NOW was an answer to those "Have Mercy" prayers.  I know this, but I also know that this daughter is missing her dad, is upset that he didn't get his earthly victory that he fought so hard for.  I know I will be okay, but my point of reference lately is simply one of grief and sadness.  This was a long journey and this wasn't the end I had hoped for.

Need to Write

I have been burning with a need to write...for me there is a purging emotionally that happens when I do.  But to be honest, I have been avoiding it.  I do believe that I want to do it in the context of blogging, but I have SO much to say that I don't know where to begin.  Life has been so terribly, horribly heavy and sad lately.  So many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories, so many fears....SO MUCH LOSS.  And yet, I see immense beauty in all of this mess of pain--beauty that could not have been beheld if it were not for the tragedies.   Just yesterday, we learned that one of our former Selah House ladies died.  She was a young lady who was doing so well.  I don't yet know what the cause of her death was, but I honestly feel that I cannot deal with more loss, more death, more sadness.  I feel like I could choke on the heaviness in my heart some days.  So bear with me friends.  I have been on a journey and it has not been a fun one.  I need to gather my thoughts and emotions and I need to get it out.  Sadly, I do not know if this journey is over.  My emotions tell me there is a long way to go.  Just feeling very, very sad tonight... I leave you with this song that has ministered to me in this dark place.  Listen to the lyrics.  They are amazing.

Messed up Messy People

I admit, I love messed up people.  And I love to get in the middle of their messes hoping to bring the light of Christ to shine on the mess, expose it for what it is, and help them to move forward OUT of the mess!  Great fun!  But lately I have been dealing with messed up people (nothing new for this gal) who don't see how messed up they are.  They look in the mirror and see one put together chick.  Wow!  I have one person in my life right now who is this way, and very defensive to boot. She bugs the crap out of me!! So I have been asking myself why does this one out of all of the messed up messes I deal with bug me so bad??  I am beginning to realize it isn't how messed up she is that bothers me.  What bothers me is that she doesn't see it!  Unfortunately what I am getting at is that she thinks she is put together, got a handle on her life etc.  What would be cool is if she looked in the mirror and saw what Christ sees and saw the potential Christ has for her and that was INSPIRING her to be put together.  But this isn't it at all! Her warped self perception is getting in the way--causing monstrous denial.  She cannot reckon with the mess she has made--she cannot take a hard look at her warts and blemishes.  Why?  I think it terrifies her.  I think she thinks if she does she will reel in horror and not be able to recover. And you know, I have been there in spots/seasons in my life too.  It is a lot of work to try to maneuver around a big mess and tell yourself it is "all good."  So maybe that is why it bugs me?  Maybe it hits close to home.  Maybe I am like her in a lot of ways?  I don't know.  Right now, I am just bugged beyond measure--highly irritated.  I almost shudder when I have to interact with her.  It is bad!  I don't like to feel this way.  I even have caught myself praying that I don't have to deal with this individual any longer.  AND there is that possibility that I am not supposed to!  I do know I have to look within and I have to go to God with this one, because this is soooo common.  I guess I would just like to deal with the ones who are really messed up messes who SEE it and want to DEAL with it.  That is so amazingly fun to be a part of the transformation!