Crisis Junkies and Drama Queens

We have all probably used these phrases, but have you ever really stopped to think about what you are saying?  Today I did, and oh boy!  Here is what brought it on.  A friend of mine (who, by the way, I would not have labeled a crisis junkie until today), got something that she really "wanted" for a long time.  It was not a material thing, it was an outcome--she had victory.  When she called me to tell me the outcome--her mood was subdued and melancholy.  I honestly assumed that the outcome was not what she had hoped for and it had gone poorly.  Quite the opposite was true!  Whereas she should have been ecstatic and praising God, it was almost as if she were sad.  And then it struck me--she WAS sad.  Now don't get me wrong, I do believe she did want this thing to turn out the way it did, but there seems to be a bigger part of her that is grieving the loss of that bad thing to dwell on, complain about, talk about and be upset over.  The crisis is gone and she is sad.  WOW!  So I am rethinking the whole crisis junkie phrase.  I am defining it this way.  A person who is addicted to crisis will actually be more rattled and less stable when circumstances and relationships are the most stable and least rattled!  And so what do they do, they go in search of or CREATE drama or crisis.  They surround themselves with negativity, they complain, they engross and entangle themselves in someone else's yuk, dwell on anything in their lives that they figure is not right (a situation, health problem, morsel of gossip), and that becomes the new thing.  They literally feed on this stuff.  Their reality is literally not right if there is not something wrong~~~YUK!

Life goes on and death...?

Well we're just not sure what's going on.  Life has gone on though there were days I was certain it couldn't.  There is a bit of rhythm back to life.  We have a house full of ladies here at Selah which amazingly is going well in spite of everything else.  We are of the conviction that even in the face of death there are still people who need help and they could themselves be facing death if there isn't a hand reached out to help.  So we have invited them in to our home and our lives and they are journeying with us in this process.  They have been wonderful...praying and helping out while dad has been home.  This thing called the body of Christ and community is an amazing machine!  It works both ways--you give; you take and there can be a sense of harmony even in the midst of chaos.
And chaos there has been.  Dad came home on hospice in May and mom and others cared for him there until just a few weeks ago when he was transferred back to the VA.  He had developed blood clots in both lungs and both legs and was admitted and then transferred to the nursing care facility in St. Cloud where he continues to reside for now.  What a ride that was.  It was wonderful to have him home and he absolutely loved it...but it was very hard especially on mom.  She nearly hurt herself on a few occasions trying to lift or shift him.
So we have journeyed on watching and waiting for what we assumed was an impending death.  And, we have gone from being told dad has days to a week to having him actually improve in some ways.  I feel like I need to land on the death side or the life side but yet I can't because dad's body just hasn't figured out what it wants to do.  And that is okay...it really is.  It is thrilling in so many ways :)  And then I find myself wanting off of the emotional roller coaster (and feeling guilty for feeling that way).  Maybe floating and riding is okay, because when I do get off the coaster...well then it is over.  Not ready for that yet.

The beauty of death

I have been learning about death lately.  I honestly never really thought there was much to it.  I figured it was just "lights out" or that it was a terrible thing to see and that a dead body is creepy.  That's about it. Tonight my family met with a Fairview Hospice Nurse named Jamie.  He spent hours with us talking about my dad and explaining to us the dying process and the grief process.  He listened.  He heard our questions.  He even fielded some anger from us.  And graciously, he was able to identify for us where he believes my dad to be in this process.  His guess..days to weeks.
And so now I have to take a long hard look at death and though I do not like the process, I am almost intrigued to learn that it IS a process.  And as I learn I realize the hand of my Creator even in how He orchestrates the end of life.  In a natural dying process, there is a beautiful rhythm and flow.  There is order and mercy.  Sadly, our heroic interventions can sometimes interrupt this order and make the process terrible for those we love.   It pains me to be a spectator.  I feel so helpless, always questioning if we are doing the right thing.  I hurt for me, for my mom, for my kids, for my whole family.  And yet, dad seems to be the one hurting the least.  When my niece went to go back home tonight, dad hugged her and said,  "It is only going to get better.  I promise."  Enough said for today.

Doing the right? thing

Well, my dad has been home for exactly one week as of Thursday.  It is now Friday and I can't sleep just yet.  Today was awful.  Dad went from having a pretty normal day to not so normal to terrible.  He has had continued issues with eating and some vomiting all along, but now today he vomited up his Ensure which was alarming.  Then after a bout outside, he became so chilled and weak he was shaking uncontrollably.  They did manage to get him to bed where he spiked a fever and we had to pile blankets on top of him while he lay there trembling and scared.  The fever kept climbing and he became a bit disoriented.  My first instinct is to get him to the hospital.  What the heck is going on?  Is it the tumor, an infection what?  But he is on hospice so their advice is to give him a Tylenol and see if it will help but it might not because the cancer is likely putting his temperature control out of whack which is something that happens as a person progresses toward death.  Okay, as I have said before, I am pretty well grounded in reality.  I get that hospice's job is not to prolong the dying process and to just make the patient comfortable.  But here is what is messing with my head.  I am not sure that him even being home and on hospice is the right decision.  Did he really come home to just die or did he come home with the hope of getting even a little better so he could enjoy his last days/weeks /months.  It has been one freaking week and we are being prepared for his death?  Inside everything is screaming that we need an opinion from the hospital end of the spectrum to see if we are doing the right thing!  I want to see what is going on with the cancer.  I want to know that he may just need a boost at the hospital to set things on course again.  But yet I know I may not get these answers, and I also know I may just have to take the road of inaction and watch my dad just die.  But to feel like the ones making the ultimate decisions to let another person dehydrate and starve seems so incredibly wrong even though I know that is often the cause of death with this type of cancer.  The cancer dehydrates and sucks all of the nutrition from his body not to mention the energy and life!  This just sucks!  I am stuck between not knowing if we are making the right decision by having him home and not wanting to prolong the inevitable and make it potentially worse for Dad.  I am just sad and confused and angry.  This death and dying stuff is so easy to deal with when it doesn't hit your camp, but boy once it comes close or worse, invades, it messes with you, it changes you.  I am just not able to see the positive stuff of it right now. :*(

Prognosis? Needing a Miracle

 I posted this on my facebook and thought I would share it here as well...

Well, today was the day for dad's CT scan to see if the treatment has worked. Before the oncology team could meet, it was discovered (thanks to the CT), that he has a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung). He was not having any of the major presenting symptoms, so if it were not for the CT, this would have not been discovered at least today! So that is good news. They will be treating him with shots of heparin, most likely Lovenox if my guess is right.
As for the cancer, they are saying that it does not appear that there has been any change in the tumor size. They had a hard time making a 100% definitive on that because the stent he has in place makes it a little hard to read the results, but it does not look as if it has receded. Also, they are saying that he cannot undergo any more chemotherapy because he is still medically unstable and if they do any more, they fear it would kill him. That is not to say that they can't look at this again if his condition stabilizes. One positive thing is that he is doing LESS vomiting which makes life much more comfortable for him. Eating is still a big problem, drinking goes pretty good--so they are continuing to give him nutrients through a pick line.
The really hard news is that they are saying that they expect he only has 6 months to live.
This is obviously hard. 6 months! That flies by so fast. Of course, that is not a set-in-stone timeline. Patient to patient, these things can go very differently.

Now we look at the short-term care and long-term care options. Dad REALLY wants to come home...REALLY! He has been stuck at that facility since the first part of April. He would have to be stable especially with the blood pressure drops and falling and I assume with the nutrition as well.
So your prayers are needed. This morning I only allowed myself to pray for one thing and that was for a miracle. I told God that as the day progressed if I needed to change my request I would. Now I am not sure if I should. We still need a miracle. Essentially as we have known all along, this cancer is not curable in these later stages. But God can do this. I don't know if He will, so I am needing to put one foot in front of the other and walk through this with my family. Strength is needed; grace is needed; joy is needed--it's hard to come by these days. Lorryn's death was a real shock and hit us hard. This was another hard hit for sure.



 

Some things are better left unsaid

I am finding that some people really have a tough time dealing with pain and loss...or the potential of it. It is bad enough when it strikes their life and you can see the tailspin begin. But then there are those awkward moments (and we have all had them), when we face someone else's pain and loss, and we have no idea what to say, or if we should say anything at all, but yet feel that we should say something! UGH! Well I was on the receiving end of a moment like this last week...and I have had a few of those since my dad's diagnosis.
I was giving someone an update on my dad, and it was not a great update. None of them have been lately :( Anyway, the person I was talking to has been acquainted with much pain and loss in her own life and so her ability to empathize should be intact. I found out quite differently. When she heard the misery my dad was in and of course the impact it is having on me, she replied, "Well this is going to sound harsh,...but you know, he chose this! He really did!" My first instinct was to agree because I am a realist to the max. Yep, I get it...he chose to smoke in spite of the warnings. Yep, got it! But did he chose this? Really? Did he choose to gag and vomit daily? Did he choose to not be able to eat? Did he choose to essentially be starving, losing 85 lbs. in a matter of months? Did he choose to develop a pulmonary embolism? Did he choose to pass out and fall to the ground? Did he? The realist in me says yes. The daughter in me says no! No one would choose this.
Sadly, the person who said this to me is a person who ministers to people who are victim/survivors of suicide. Does she give this word of "comfort" to the families who have been abandoned to suicide? Well, they chose it, right?
Some things are better left unsaid.

Defined

I have defined myself today. One might caution about labeling or defining oneself and I generally agree. However, sometimes I think it really helps to sit down and figure yourself out...if that is possible. So here it is, in a word (from Webster's Dictionary):

Definition of DISJOINTED
1a : being thrown out of orderly function b : lacking coherence or orderly sequence

This is me! Oh my goodness, this is me! I have days here and there where I say I am disjointed, but lately this is the rule. I feel as if I am floating from event to event, crisis to crisis, person to person, project to project. There is little sense of cohesion. I get this way when I am in crisis mode or just plain overwhelmed. And I am both.

I knew this cancer stuff was going to be a wild ride, but until you are in the thick middle of it, you cannot possibly know just how wild. Things you NEVER thought of, happen. It is a season of tremendous "unexpecteds." Unfortunately, most of them are not positive and so, you catch your breath each time the phone rings or you get an update. I know this needs to drive me deeper into the arms of my Jesus, but I am so out of focus I scarcely know how to even do that. So yes, I have pegged myself....now what?

How am I doing?

I looked at the date on my last post and realized that it was the day before my father-in-law Lorryn passed away. Who would have thought as I wrote that 24 hours later I would be in the throughs of grief with my family. The "circle of life" so to speak has a power to change our course dramatically within seconds.
So how am I doing? I have to stop and ask myself this frequently these days. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I said goodbye to a wonderful man (who not too many years ago, I would not have attached the word "wonderful" to)! His death was a trauma--happening in the Perkins in Cambridge. Saying goodbye to a loved one is not something you picture doing on the floor of a restaurant. And yet as I stroked Lorryn's head and prayed over him, I noticed the look of absolute peace on his face and just had a sense of everything being okay and the way it is supposed to be. Strange....
And then, I stand on the edge of that same valley with my dad. It just sucks! It is unfair and at times I feel that I cannot do this. It's too much for one family to endure all at once. It is! And yet, I was singing in church a song that repeated "Where you lead me Lord I will follow."...yes, we had smiles on our faces and our hands were raised. Then the Lord spoke to me and reminded me that He leads us through that ugly valley too..would I still go with Him? Could I go through that valley again, or even soon and be okay? Could I?!! I started to cry and said that I would. I don't want to, and it is still unfair, but yes I would. Could I handle yet another funeral and make it? Yes--don't want to, but yes.
And to top it off, the day after my father-in-law's funeral was the day that our eldest member of the household thought appropriate to start a cold war. She has literally been in isolation from the whole household...not eating with us, not communicating---complete and total isolation which carries a message to us. We are unsure what the intent of her messsage is, but the one that is being sent is this--"I am so self-focused and my world is so small that I would choose to be petty and put your household under more unneeded stress while you are enduring the biggest crisis that you have EVER endured. And I am your friend????!!!" This is the message we are hearing, and it is causing a lot of stress and anger.
So that is how I am doing. Anyone care to join me?

A Valuable Lesson

I have been stressed lately. There is plenty going on in my life that is stressful, so one might be tempted to give me permission to just let it be, and to a point I can be gracious to myself, but in this case, I can't. A core thing going on in my home is a lot of selfishness, short-sightedness and self focus..and for more than one person! And I view this, run interference, and get very frustrated! I have been frustrated all week, and I am getting really sick of the crap going on. And so, here is what I have noticed that I am doing. In response to selfishness I see in others, what have I done? Well I would like to give you a godly answer but I can't. I have responded by withholding myself in conversation and compassion---with selfishness. I have seen quite a bit of disrespect going on in the home, and so what have I done? Been a bit disrespectful myself. There are quick tempers and I have simply followed suit. Not productive at all. The very thing I see in others that disgusts me is the VERY thing I use in response to them! WOW---gee great approach Steph! I need to begin to minister in the opposite spirit, and oh man! It is so hard to do! Knee jerk for me is just not the high road unfortunately. Lord, help!

Tomorrow

And tomorrow...or whenever I post again, it will have nothing to do with cancer! :)

Today

Today I am in a weird spot. The only word I can give is melancholy. I am lethargic, teary and just blah. Today I was driving and the new anniversary version of I Can Only Imagine came on. It moved me to tears and I found myself LONGING for home, LONGING to be rid of this world. And then in the next instant I felt guilty for wanting to leave my babies and my family! I feel so heavy like I have a load of emotions to dump somewhere.
And then I talked to dad, and his first day was positive. Radiation went well, port insertion went well and he ate 2 huge meals with no problem! This is amazing! I was so blessed and then I started crying because I know that there will be terribly hopeful days and terribly dreadful days ahead. I know I have to take this a day at a time, but how do you do that when one day can look 100% opposite of the next? How do you maintain any sense of normal, of balance with this stuff?
I do long for the arms of my Jesus, and if I can't have Heaven just yet, then I guess He is going to have to hold me now because I gotta land somewhere.



By the way, this is not the anniversary edition, but the video is sooo good!

Treatment Begins

Well, here we go. Dad starts his treatment plan on Monday. We bring him down tomorrow night to get him checked in and set up. We got the prognosis and the plan earlier this week, and to say the least, I have been in a fog ever since. I have still been recovering from this illness which has wiped me out too. I have not even really wanted to give an update, because I guess I am just exhausted talking about it! People mean well...they do. And because of that, as the family, we are constantly asked, "How is your dad?" This is great, don't get me wrong, but it is exhausting to rehash bad news over and over again. So here is the news in a nutshell. Dad will start a very aggressive treatment plan which will involve a 24/7 pump of chemo drugs via a port. I think this is called a "fanny pack." Then he also will have radiation blasts 5 days per week. Those sessions only last about 15 minutes each, but still painful and icky. He also will have 6 hour chemotherapy sessions at least 1x per week. Yikes! I hope and pray he can hold up. This is going to be hard on him to say the least. Physically, he is strong. His blood work is good and his overall health is good, so I think they think he can handle this. But mentally and emotionally? WOW! All this in addition to the fact that he will be living down at the VA away from his family. This adds a huge dimension to the toll this will undoubtedly take on him. I am concerned for him. AND of course then I want to DO as much as I can. That's how I cope, but I also have to be realistic. I have a lot of responsibilities here at home that will not just go away. I guess I just don't want him to feel alone, isolated, and abandoned.
And for the prognosis. This is where it gets hard. Even with all of this dad only has a 27% chance...and that, only for a 5 year survival rate. In a nutshell, this cancer doesn't go into remission like others do. Why that is, I don't know. But it sucks! He is stage 4 (out of 5). They basically make it their goal to improve or maintain quality of life, but they cannot make this crap go away.
BUT, we love and serve a miracle working God. Dad can become a miracle. I believe this with everything in me. And if not, then he is a 70 year old man facing impending death. I am thankful he is not a 40 or 50 year old in this position. There is some solace there, strangely. Prayers are needed more than ever....for all of us.

Could this go any s...l...o....w....e....r?

Ok, I am starting to get on board with my brother on the need for the cancer fast track. Dad has been having an increasingly hard time with the eating and/or vomiting. Now he is vomiting in between "meals" (if you can call them that). PET scan-check. Results? Well? Maybe? IF they are in (which they should be), the doctors are seeming to prefer to give the detailed account on Monday when he has another full day of consultations/preparations for treatment. Come on already! Can we get this show on the road? This is an aggressive cancer, and what if by them waiting even a week, it could spread?! I am getting anxious, I know. And yet, I also know there are no guarantees even if he had already started treatment. I get that, but the waiting game seems a more dangerous game of Russian roulette to me. I am not sure I am able to go with on Monday to his appointments, but I am so sure he better come home with a start date for treatment because this wait just plain SUCKS!

Laura Story - Blessings [HQ]

This song is amazing! And so fitting for what my family is going through right now. I love how music can express what often my words cannot. May God's name be glorified through the trials he has entrusted us with today.

Tired

I don't know if I am strange or what, but it took me talking with Sarah for hours to realize just what a week I have had, and why it prompted my husband to ask me if I was depressed! My answer to him was, "I don't think so." But I knew I was at minimum flat-lining. Well after talking to Sarah, I realized that my week was nuts. I had sick kids which prompted 2 trips to clinics with long waits, a tooth flair up which resulted in an extraction for me, and my dad's VA appointment, refinancing on the house, and our excursion to the psych ward which resulted in us taking home a new Selah gal--all from Saturday to Saturday! Talk about nuts! Oh! And and I also bumped into my half brother in North Branch who might I add I have NEVER bumped into in public EVER! Talk about awkward! I have not seen him in person since my high school graduation which was in 1991! And I had the "privilege" of telling him about dad's cancer. And dealing with my other brother regarding my dad and his treatment plan which is just not moving quickly enough for my brother. WOW! I guess the serving on my plate was heaping for one week. And the normal stuff of life just doesn't stop for all of this now does it? I need a break badly.

Long

Well I have already posted a long note on my facebook with all of the gory details of the doctor visits today. I am not wanting to rehash it again on here. Is there a way to get a facebook to share with blogger? Don't know. Anyway, though it was a long day with several appointments and MUCH information, I can say I feel at peace tonight. I am confident in the care that dad is already receiving and will continue to receive is great care. We need prayer. There appears to be some warfare going on here at home. Lots of sickness and a bit of drama. We need prayer to stay strong and the enemy just needs to back off!

Matthew West Broken Girl

Another good one

A day at the psych ward

We spent a good portion of the day at a psych ward in the cities. I have to admit, I am a bit fascinated every time we go to one (yes, we hang with some interesting people). I look around at the people there and wonder what is their story? I see the desperation and desolation in their eyes. Intriguing, yes, and sobering too. One woman there went ballistic and we even felt like we could be in harms way (she was eyeballing us and even bumped into my mom when the staff was trying to get her controlled)....In a place like this, it is easy to lose heart and feel hopeless with what you see. Yet even these are not beyond the reach of our Jesus.

The wounded...wound (and they miss out)

It really disturbs me when people cannot step outside of themselves for just a second and open their eyes and see things for how they really are instead of through some grid of thier own making! Now I know that it is said that people who are wounded, wound others. But my word! Wake up!! People have worth and beauty regardless if they rub us the wrong way. They need attention and ministry despite the fact that they have strange personalities or are not socially put together! Children need to be seen and heard...etc. etc. If we would just break out of our narrow little thinking and preferences for just a moment, we might find a beautiful connection with another human soul. But instead we prefer to stay safe (and stuck, might I add), in our own tiny little world....and we miss out on only God knows what?! Not to mention, we wound and scar. So sad.
This song expresses it well.

Good news in the cancer department

Well today my dad went for his CT scan and the results are promising! The doctors are saying that the cancer is localized! There are a few lymph nodes that are "questionable" but they are still saying LOCALIZED! This is as good of news as could be expected other than them finding no tumor at all :). There is a sigh of relief coming from all of us along with "Praise the Lord!". Of course it is far from over....they are likely going to start treatment with chemo and radiation with the goal being to shrink the tumor before they look at surgery. Whew! There have been tons of people praying and we are so grateful!
And me...well, I am holding up ok. I am finding my emotions, which can be hard for me with stuff like this. It has been said that my mom is emotionally sterile, and that I am only disinfected. She still is struggling to connect the dots emotionally, so she needs prayer there. I have discovered what a great place the shower is when you need to cry...the tears and snot just wash down the drain. It has also been good for me to get feedback from others about my dad. Lately I have been frustrated with him and tend to color the whole picture black, but just hearing from others how he has impacted them over the years has caused me to remember that he has helped and inspired so many. He's a good guy with a big heart. Now he has a big tumor...thank God that He is bigger! Praise God!

Discussions over coffee

This is the flavor of the discussions in my home right now:
Me (to my mom)--"There is still LIFE to be lived even in the face of DEATH."
Mom--"That's right.' I am not going to let cancer drive my bus! As a matter of fact, we are going to assign this thing with a lower case "c" and not let it become bigger than it should be."

Here is to allowing cancer to ride as a passenger on the bus with hopes that we can kick it off at one stop along the way!

Gotta dump this once and for all

I have to get this off of my chest, because it is angering me and I gotta dump it. It wasn't until after I got home from the doctor appointment with my dad that I realized what an awkward and inappropriate position the medical staff there put us in. I had to sign in when we first got there so they knew dad had a ride home after his procedure. Okay, fine. Then after his procedure...now mind you I know nothing at this point, a nurse walks out with him to the packed full waiting room and she is holding a clipboard. They approach me she asks if I am dad's RIDE and would I sign the clipboard so they know he is going home with someone. Okay, yep. Now I am waiting for someone to say let's go into such and such a room to discuss the results of the scope right? Um, no...the nurse walks away and I am left in the packed full waiting room with my visibly shaken dad who has to tell me THERE! How incredibly innappropriate. Things of this nature should not be handled this way! I don't care how busy you are or how many people are in the waiting room, when a man and his family are being told that cancer is now their reality, could you slap on an ounce of compassion and tell them in private. So instead, we had to deal with this blow with all kinds of people watching and listening and even throwing in their 2 cents! My word! Agent Orange, I will call him, piped in telling us his experience with his AO related cancer. Are you flippin' serious. Yes sir, I feel for you, but right now all of the blood in my body has flown to my feet and I am not sure I can drive my dad home. WOW! Not cool.

The "C" word

As I alluded to in my last post, it is not supposed to happen. Those parents of ours are all just supposed to be static people in our lives. Today my reality is a little more real. We just found out yesterday that my dad has cancer of the esophagus. The short of it--a large tumor in his esophagus which has made it virtually impossible for him to eat and even drink.
I am such a mixed bag right now, I don't even know where to begin. All at once, I am sad, scared, normal, settled, angry, confused. But on the outside, my composure it pretty even. You might not guess my emotional state by just looking. So forgive me if I laugh at funny things, cry spontaneaously, or get pissed. I guess it's normal, but then, what is when cancer invades your life? I do feel, and I feel deeply. I do love, and I love deeply. It's just the space between my head and my heart isn't as short as it seems. I need to weep. I need to scream. And I need people to ask how I am even if I don't want to think about it. My temptation is to want to normalize, but there is nothing normal about cancer...and for that matter, there is nothing normal with grappling with the death of a parent. This just sucks!

They're always supposed to be there

As a child, even a 38 year old child, somehow you always think of your life as including your parents. It is so hard to even imagine your life without them there. They are just always supposed to be there. Well today, I am having one of those moments where I have just been hit with the reality that they won't. And it frickin' sucks!

Norah Jones - What Am I To You?

I heard this on Cities 97 last night and for some reason it caught my attention. I had no idea who sang it at the time, but it is a cool song...and for the record, how many times have we felt like this in a relationship? Any relationship, not just a romantic one. Not a fun place to be.

Crazy Continued

Well today was no exception to the crazies. It was another one of those days. And I realize that I am all over the map--emotionally and mentally. I need a focus other than on the nuts situations in my home, in my families. When I met with a friend tonight, we realized after our discussion that we both had a purge in discussion form. It was good and so needed, but it wasn't until we stopped and began to pray that I realized how out of focus I have been in the midst of a lot of turmoil and stress. In the middle of prayer I began to feel, and started to get choked up. I have been able to identify anger and frustration this week...no problem, but I hadn't allowed myself to get in touch with the stuff of fear, pain, and loss yet. Tonight was a start. Oh my....

Seal - Crazy + lyrics

It's my turn!

Those of you that know my life understand that I work with people who are addicts and mentally ill. They live in our home with us. And while that is unusual to most people, for us it is a calling of God. It is strangely rewarding and even fun sometimes. Mostly it is amazing to watch God transform lives right before your eyes. Awesome stuff! But with all things, there is a flip side too. We are often stuck with the job of weeding through soooo much stuff. Like for instance when we see strange behavior in a person, we are analyzing...what is an organic problem?, might they be using?, have they been taking their meds properly?, have they met up with something or someone from their past that is a problem???? On and on. And with the "organic" issues comes mental illness. It is super hard to determine what is just mental illness and where excuse and rebellion has entered in. And so poor behavior is common. And we as the caregivers are supposed to excuse these behaviors and instabilities as "Well they are ill." AND, my beef for the day...we are expected to not only understand and excuse, but we have to remain calm, stable, and rational at all times. We are to be balanced, caring, understanding, patient. Well, I have decided that I need days to be the unstable one, the sick one. Because frankly, this makes me sick! So there might just be days when I am off my rocker, and all of you will just need to just understand because, well, I might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or Depression, or Bipolar, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chemical Dependency, Co-Dependency.......................................I want to act like an idiot for a change, and have a reason to chalk it all up!! I tire of always having to be the stable and rational one. So there!