Been gone for so long

Wow, I hate that I have been gone for so long. Life has gotten busy these days for sure. The swing of school and dance and plays and concerts is in full swing. We have had a house full of new people with new needs and new schedules and new quirks. It can be an exhausting ride sometimes. And yet, I see it as an adventure. Not a fun one all of the time for sure. Last night there was a woman slumped over on my couch and I got the fun job of confronting her and trying to figure out what she was on. Nice! (At least the kids were in bed for that one). It saddens me so to encounter people who have so much life left to live and so much to offer who are only looking for their next escape. What a waste...a sad, sad waste. THEY have been gone for so long, they seldom know who they are anymore or that their LIFE is worth living....sober and alert. Yes the pain of the hell they have created must be faced head on and it sucks....big time! But there is beauty on the other side of it. Sadly, some never desire to push through to the other side.
I see it almost daily in this ministry. I see it in myself sometimes too. Fearful to push through the sh*% to the other side where there is a new scene I can view. Much prayer needed.

Toby Keith - I Wanna Talk About Me

This song is for you Sarah...(roles are reversed however :)

My Imposter

Sarah and I are reading "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. The man is amazing, and yet he messes with me and my comfortable little bubble. And so he highly frustrates me! One of the chapters is titled "The Imposter" and it deals with the false self that we all have. It is the person we present to others, the one we are internally pleased with because it keeps us-or our true, flawed selves in hiding. Well, one of the ways that I know God has shown me that I can expose my imposter is to not give it a voice. Also I believe He showed me that a way to get our imposters to take a back seat is by fasting. And so should it be any surprise to me that God called me to do something that involves BOTH of these solutions! He has asked me to fast from Facebook for a MONTH! Yikes! I started it on the 12th and I am going through withdrawals now! I mean is there really anything else to do on the Internet? Some ideas would be welcome. :) But in reality, I know that I can become better acquainted with my true self if I get off of Facebook and spend more time becoming intimate with my Abba.

I just realize it sometimes

Do you ever get so lost in the mundanity of life and your routines that you forget some things? I do! Forget might be a strong word, but wow, just think....it's cold outside, and I am cuddly warm right now. Some people are desperately lonely; I have more people in my life than I sometimes can manage! My belly is full; my car gets me from point A to B; my kids are healthy; my bills are paid (except for the one I have procrastinated and keep forgetting to pay!); I have a church family; I have good friends; I have a great husband; I can laugh; I can worship freely; I can vote....the list is endless. Sometimes I just am flooded with realization that God has blessed me in amazing ways. And yet tomorrow, He might afflict me or crush some bones or something, but I pray that I might still praise Him.

But Lord, first I have to......

This morning Jeremy was telling me about a conversation he had with a mutual friend of ours. This friend is a believer, and has felt for years that God has burdened him to be a "giver." Now the thing is, he and his wife have very conservatively paying jobs, and for the wife especially, this burden kind of scares her. She is a very calculated, regimented, careful sort. He, on the other hand would love to be giving even to the point of it being hillarious. He hasn't necessarily known HOW God has wanted to develop this burden into action, but it has stuck with him.

So, the current converstaion is this. Jeremy asked him where all of this is at today. He said, "Well, everything is kind of on hold with that. We are trying to pay off our house in 10 years....so yeah."

WHAT?!

Immediately, Scriptures come to mind. Mark 10:17-31--the rich young man--"One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."......"no one who has LEFT HOME or brothers or sisters.....OR FIELDS...will fail to receive hundred times as much in this present age..."

Mark 8:21--the cost of following Jesus--"Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

The FIRST order of business is NOT to take care of our personal earthly affairs. Get all of our ducks in a row--finances, family, careers, THEN you can walk into the calling of God? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am trying very hard to not walk in criticism and judgement towards our friends. I definitely have areas where I hide out in fear and hold back too. WOW! The world is lost, the church is falling apart at the seams, and we sit like ducks nuturing our little nest egg WAITING for that day when we can spring into action? Not good.

Hephzibah by Beckah Shae

This woman is a talented artist. I am really liking her style! As the lyrics state at the beginning, she did indeed wake up from a dream with the word "Hephzibah" in her mind and it was all she could remember. She had never heard the word before, so she researched it and found that not only was it a real word, it was found in the Word--Isaiah 62 to be exact. So cool! Good song!

A prayer for a friend

I found this in some old files I was going through. I love the inspiration that God gives when we are willing to listen. I wrote this for a friend who was in a great struggle and thought I would share it on my blog:

To My Friend

The depth of your pain is so vast, that I fear I cannot touch it. My words seem like chaff, drifting away, unable to touch that place of darkness inside of you.

You ask for a word; you ask for a touch; you ask for encouragement. Though these things I offer, they are no longer within your grasp to hear or feel.

Your feelings are like a raw, open wound. Could my words cut you deeper? Could my advice be like salt to your bleeding soul? Your bones are brittle and thin. Could my touch be that thing that breaks you? Your spirit is parched. Could my prayers shrivel you up?

In my insecurity, I look to the Word for a morsel to offer your starving soul. My friend, what I find there might surprise you:

Seek to preserve your life, you’ll lose it.
Complain that you are ruined; he offers to sear your flesh.
Tell Him you want to follow Him, forget your family.
You want to be wise; he wants you to be like a child.
You want to walk on water; you’ve got to learn about sinking.
You want to be rich; he offers poverty.
You desire a wide open road to travel; he shows you a narrow foot path.
The tears will not stop; He weeps with you.
You are looking for the door; He turns you to the altar.
Death promises to consume you; He will guide you through it.

The prayers He has inspired, I fear you may not be able to comprehend:

Lord, my friend is weary. Exhaust her to the point of deliriousness.
She has cried her last tear. Offer her a portion more.
She wants a counselor. Shut the mouths of her mortal companions.
She seeks for relief from the pain. Wound her.
She looks for strength. Weaken her.
My friend is lonely. Send her companions away.
She is parched. Bring her to the desert.
She fears she is loosing her mind. Make her simple and foolish.
She wants to be filled up. Pour her out.
She wants her life back. Wreck it.

I pray these prayers in secret for you my friend. They seem to be heartless and cruel. The Father has let me know that while He consumes your flesh, He will inflate your Spirit. Like air filling an infant’s lung for the first time, He will breathe into you the breath of life. It pains me that you must go through this dark and lonely time. I pray you do not wriggle away while He holds you to the altar. May you scream out to Him who is your only salvation.

Solicited Advice

So the friend that I mentioned in my last post SHOWED UP at my house today unannounced! And the amazing thing--she came because she knew that I would not tell her what she WANTED to hear! God is so good! I had just been talking with Jere about how do we approach these touchy topics in people's lives. We love them, but then what?! So she shows up and we talked, we read Scripture, and we are putting together at date for her to "go to the altar" with God and wrestle with these things and hopefully recover her lost identity as a daughter of the Father. Do I think she might still walk in sin? Yes. Do I think she will mess her "diaper" a bazillion more times? Yes. Do I think God will win? YES! What a sweet morning!

Doing what makes me happy

So today I was talking to someone who I suspected was heading into some behaviors that are wrong. I gently introduced the topic, and the person didn't deny it, so I pressed a bit and asked her what was going on to which she said, "I am doing what makes me happy." I was taken aback to say the least. The thing is that this person knows what she is up to is contrary to the Word. God has given her a TON of freedom from past stuff, and she has had incredible breakthroughs that she credits directly to the Lord. Bottom line--she knows better! I thought to myself, since when is the criteria for our lives as Christians to do that which makes us HAPPY? Somehow does this excuse sin? Is God okay with our behavior because He is so thrilled that it makes us happy?! I am floored! And then I thought to myself, am I really any different? How often do I excuse myself because I want to do or say or think something that will make me happy? But wow, what a good reminder that my happiness does not change God's standard. Sin is sin. God really isn't too impressed with our idolatry of happiness. And now the question is, how do I respond to this person in a right way consistently?

I almost forgot!

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot to add to my list of loves...not sure how I could have overlooked these, because I am slightly in love with these items....1. coffee and 2. butter mmmmm!

Fits like and old pair of jeans

So I mentioned in a former blog that I have a friend who has been in my life since 5th grade. We have been very close, and over recent years we have kind of drifted. Our lives have parallelled each other's for so many years, but it seems our passions/interests have just changed over recent years and we have not been all too interested in or motivated to get together. The funny thing is that I love her a ton, and I miss her...but sometimes it is not until we DO get together that I realize that. Well after many failed attempts to get our families together--which has been close to impossible, I finally decided we needed to simplify and just the two of us hook up. Well it finally happened! We met for coffee tonight and it was mildly awkward at first, but before long it was comfortable and just plain old good. It was like slipping into that really broken in pair of jeans. She might not appreciate being compared to ratty denim, but in this case it is a compliment! I am thankful. AND I am glad to be conquering (little by little) my relationally challenged ways!

Things I love

So I decided that if I was going to take the time to create a list of things that drive me nutty, that I should think of a few things that I love (if nothing more to not appear too negative!). Strangely, it is really easy to think of peeves and I am having to think really hard on this list! Oh well, here goes....and these are in no particular order.
1. Minted out wooden barns-nice red paint job!
2. Drinking ice water out of a plastic cup.
3. Writing a great paper or other composition
4. The sound and smell of fall leaves crunching under your feet.
5. Freshly clipped fingernails and toenails, that is the fingers and toes afterwards--Not the nails!
6. A great lettuce salad (that has usually lost its healthy content by the time I am done with it)!
7. Boy's choirs.
8. Movies that make me cry.
9. New car smell
10. That sulfur smell of a freshly lit match
11. Racing fuel
12. A purring cat.
13. Live orchestra
14. Watching my girls dance.
15. Snuggling.
16. Fishing!
17. Camping.
18. Meeting people who really get the things that you are passionate about
19. Comfortable silences
20. Awesome worship music

So not a comprehensive list by any means

Chaos Follows Them

So my in-laws have been hanging out at our place quite a bit lately for one reason or another. It's funny (well, not really), but these are the type of people that chaos seems to follow. They seem to spin in circles ALL of the time. My mother-in-law is the main culprit it seems. She is constantly undecided about EVERYTHING! She is WAY to busy (doing almost nothing) for someone who is retired. She takes in to consideration about 100 pieces of advice on decisions and then always seems to take the advice that she got from one of her son's (who must always be right I guess). She literally does things the hard way FREQUENTLY. It is maddening to see and be a part of. The sad thing though is that we are beginning to see its effects. The mom-in-law is beginning to become so overwhelmed and confused that a lot of the time she seems paralyzed and ineffective. My father-in-law is very dependent and confused after he suffered a brain injury in a major motorcycle accident in 2001. So he leans on her a ton, and it just adds to the mayhem. We have been trying to help and trying to ease some of the decision making and confusion, but the thing is, we are not so sure that they want a different way of life in this respect. So do we continue to offer a helping hand or let them go about their way of chaos and confusion? It is very hard to watch. Not sure what to do.

Pet Peeves

A fellow blogger has inspired me with her lists. Today I am feeling a bit feisty so I thought I would purge myself of things that are bugging me!
1. Women who are checking out your man when you are right there
2. Things that fall apart when you have barely used them
3. White people who act like they are black
4. When people need help and you know it but they are too proud to ask
5. Being schmoozed
6. Boob jobs that are simply for seductive purposes
7. Hidden fees or sneaky ways of getting you to pay something
8. When you go to some one's house and the TV is constantly on
9. Patronizing
10. Being manipulated
11. Being lied to
12. Pretty boys
13. Crotch Rockets
14. When people commit to something and they don't stick with it
15. Birds that make super annoying calls i.e. crows and that one that sounds like a squeaky door
16. Women that are overdone--over-tanned, over-makeupped, over-sweet, over-feminine, over-June Cleavered, over-exercised, over-Mommy of the Yeared
17. When people act super interested in what you have to say and you know they could care less
18. Low fat, low calorie, 100 calorie.....
19. Dripping faucets
20. When I lose something

We have made ourselves too available

So I have been thinking off and on lately about just how "interruptable" my life is. With four kids it is to be expected, but it is not so much that. It really is a product of the gadgets in my life. Now anyone who reads this has the same gadgets. You are reading this post on one of 3 or 4 of them. But in this world of IM, text message, cell phone, and e mail, I realize that we have allowed ourselves to be CONSTANTLY interrupted, and the impression is that we must always be AVAILABLE. Well, there are times that I simply refuse to be a slave to the gadgets and don't answer the phone, or text or whatever. Just because the technology exists does not mean that we must always allow ourselves to be distracted by them. Think back to the day when we didn't have all of these distractions. We could live without them, and dare I say, we would have more peace and sanity without always feeling like we have to answer something or be in constant communication. I think this has soooo much to do with why the contemplative lifestyle is foreign to most of us. We have allowed the problem. Perhaps it is time to unplug a bit?

Life Lessons from the Garden

So God used my garden to teach me or reinforce for me some life lessons. For those of you who don't garden, bear with me.
1). OK, so last year we had a "brilliant" idea, or so we thought. We had lots of green and yellow beans that were left on the vine too long and they got "woody". So we decided to shell them and dry the seeds for planting this year. Well as we were planting them this year, a friend told me that it likely wouldn't work because most seeds in the store are hybrids and aren't intended to fruit except for one season. Well isn't that nice I thought as I finished the planting. Anyway, I thought we would chance it and the plants started to grow like everything else. Great I thought! Well that is until I realized they weren't flowering, which in vegetable gardening means...no veggies. I was really sad, because we love green and yellow beans and I hardly got any. I did plant some straight from the pkg.
2). I have not fertilized at all and I have barely weeded due to heavy rains causing mammoth amounts of weeds to grow. I got overwhelmed and just let the weeds grow along with the veggies.
3). The heat this year made gardening a bear. Consequently, I did not tend to the garden like I should. So because of that, my radishes all went to seed and a lot of my broccoli did the same.
WOW, bad year for gardening! But the lessons to be learned.....If we don't tend to the garden of our life (personally and with Jesus), the weeds will grow and grow, and sometimes become overwhelming. Proactivity is key. Fertilizing is a must for good growth and healthy fruit . AND weirdness of all weirdness, just this last week...last week of August might I remind you, the green bean leaves started to sprout flowers! I was going to tear them all out of the ground because I thought it was useless. In spite of my ignorance and lack of tending, there still was fruit. Amazing!
Oh and did I mention that there was a sneaky snake in the beans today? Hmmmm.

And by the way did you know that according to Webster's Dictionary, proactivity is not a word?

Relationally Challenged? II

Well I did it! I did ask my friend out for coffee--just the two of us. It has been almost impossible for us to get our whole crew together with the schedule conflicts and such, so I just asked her if she and I could ditch our schedules for awhile and hook up. I haven't gotten a response yet so we will see. And I don't expect a deep discussion either, but I am hopeful just for some time to tend to the relationship while I analyze my issues! :)

Relationally Challenged?

I have been thinking about some of the relationships I have and have had. I have one who I would say as a pre-teen and teen was definitely a best friend. Over the years, we have grown up, were in eachother's weddings, had kids etc. I love her dearly, and so much of our lives have parallelled which is cool, but in the past few years we have drifted. It doesn't seem a "bad" drifting by any means, it just seems that our lives don't really intersect anymore. She only lives about 35 minutes from me and it seems so tough for us to get together! It is bad and I carry a lot of guilt over it. I know I shouldn't but I do. I do love her and yet I also wonder if I am relationally challenged? There is also a part of me that says....gulp....it really doesn't matter. Now I don't mean that SHE doesn't matter or even that WE as friends don't matter. It's more that the fact that we have gone off a distance in our friendship is ok? But is it? I really need to look at this. I don't want to be callous in my relationships. Perhaps it is just time for us to have coffee together and iron this out. Maybe she is ok with the way things are and I am just beating myself up? Gotta find out.

For my Wednesday Night Girl...(You Know Who You Are)

I was listening to some old Avril Lavigne songs...(yes I admit, I love her music and her voice), and this song is just so for you on so many levels! :) Enjoy!

Neighborhood Hub

I love to have people at my house. It's in my wiring for sure. But my oh my sometimes it can be extreme, like today for instance. Our neighbor boy comes over multiple times a week, which usually is fine. We enjoy having him over (most of the time), and he keeps the kids occupied, not to mention he has helped us out with projects around here too! Today, he brought his friend whom we also know, and they all had to play in the house--go figure--and there was sooo much noise I thought I might lose my mind. I guess I shouldn't complain, I do like the fact that the kids come HERE and I can keep tabs on the activity my kids are involved in. That is a blessing! And right now, they are all gone or outside and I am enjoying a shred of silence.....:)

Terrifying Drive Home

I went fishing with Lydia tonight for a few hours after dinner. She is not much into fishing {yet, if I have any say}, but was more content to eat snacks and play with worms. At least she is not grossed out by worms and fish--that's a start! :) Anyway, I knew there were storms coming so when I saw the first few flashes of lightening, we packed up and headed home. It seemed fine but within minutes it turned black and the sky was on fire. Lydia said, "The lightening is SOO beautiful!" I tried my best to agree, while listening to the radio about the tornado warnings and high winds etc. that were heading right at us! I started to feel my heart thumping and hands shake because it was sooo black, I couldn't tell if there was a tornado or not? I did actually wonder if we should get out of the car and hit the ditch because the sky was so strange. It was mostly black with this patch of eerie pink with a wall cloud inside of it. When the rain started I was on Skogman Lake Road and could literally see nothing. At that point, Lydia was saying, "I don't like it!" over and over and all I could do was pray. I seriously thought we were in the middle of a touchdown it was so bad. I drove like a turtle and finally reached the highway. Cars were stopped because there was no moving really. Finally some people started to move and I just followed the taillights to our road. OM Gosh! I was shaking like a leaf when I got home. Thank you Lord for keeping us safe!!!

Why Such a Battle for R & R?

It seems to never fail, that when our family makes a point of getting away, there is ALWAYS a fight for us to even be able to leave. And once we are gone, it is almost without fail, that there is a major issue back home that requires our attention from a distance. OR once we are gone, there is stress of unusual sorts, like expensive car breakdowns or tornados. Why is this? We are responsible people, we do our best to minister to others, and just a simple getaway is sometimes more stress than it is worth. I mean like crazy stuff, like you go to the ATM to get some cash before you go away and find out there is a $4000 overdraft! Simple error on our financial investor's part, but still! We have come to the conclusion that it is probably not us creating this issue. Is it the enemy? We push through and make it happen no matter what, but it sometimes feels easier to concede. Help me figure this out!

Vulnerability

My husband has been talking a lot lately and usually into the wee hours of the night. His topic of late is vulnerability. He is musing that part of the reason we can't seem to understand the Bible or relate to the life and teachings and life of Jesus is because we so fear vulnerability which was central to the life of Jesus. We actually wish that we could rewrite the Gospel to erase the things that make us uncomfortable. We don't like the fact that Jesus came as a baby, and that He was ridiculed and suffered. We want all of the strength that the Word has to offer but we fail to see that vulnerability is a TREASURE. A treasure?! Wow, I never looked at like this. I need to chew on this some more. This could really be a thing of transformation.

You Have Not Because You Ask Not Part II

It occurred to me this morning that not only is it a good idea to put on the armor of God daily, but I think I should make it a practice to intentionally "give" God the things I love and cherish and even the things I struggle and worry about DAILY, like first thing in the morning. I used to babysit for a lady who was a Mary Kay saleswoman and she always had some inspirational note cards plastered all over her bathroom mirror. In that case, I think it was stuff about success and blah blah. I need to plaster my mirror with reminders of what I should give to the Lord every day. I'm sick of carrying my worries and burdens around, and Heaven knows He can do a better job with the things that I love than I can....

You Have Not Because You Ask Not

Today I had an amazing talk with my oldest daughter about a very serious dilemma she is having with a good friend. She doesn't come to me a lot with stuff like this because I think I can tend to be so serious and a bit over-bearing. So the fact that she spilled was in and of itself amazing, but even cooler is that the other day, I was talking with God and asking for Him to bring her to a point of an encounter with Him, and that she would step up and begin to be the leader that He has created her to be. This was a direct answer to that my "mommy prayer", and I am so blessed and proud--she made some very good choices and hard choices, and she is at a point of decision in this particular friendship where she knows she will either "lead, follow, or get out of the way." I don't know what direction she will go, but for today, I am so proud of her! :)

GEICO Commercial - Honest Abe

My friend and I have been challenging eachother to become persons of integrity in our speech, which we have come to realize means taking some really big risks in relationships just by being completely honest with others. It is hard! How many times do we try to candycoat things to make them more palatable for others, when in essence we are not telling the truth! It needs to stop in my life for sure! But there is a risk for sure! You might really offend someone just for being honest, or for NOT holding back something that should be said! Here's a Geico commercial that fits the situation perfectly!

Attitude of Gratitude

Today I was struck by just how grateful I am for my husband. Now before I sound so typical blogger wife and mom, let me just say I am not going to go on and on about just how wonderful my family is and how perfect our little white picket fence life is together! Any of you who know me at all will know that stuff makes me want to vomit! I was actually convicted that for some reason it takes a milestone moment for us to REALLY be aware of how grateful we are for the people in our lives or even our earthly possessions. It sometimes takes a cancer, a death, a birth, a natural disaster, a wedding, an accident, an anniversary etc. for us to ponder or much less express our gratitude for the people and other blessings in our life. Why is that? Is it because we are in such a constant state of "want" or "desire" for better (in ourselves, others and material ways), or more that we need a monument for us to realize just how blessed we are? I could go on and on about the million reasons I have to be full of gratitude today. For now, I am just happy I came to this without need of a monument. I need to pray that I have this attitude of gratitude daily, even if in a state of want or lack. Remind me if I get off track!

What Will it Take?

I was reacquainted with a problematic person yesterday and the new but not new problems that he has created in my life and the lives of sooo many others. It seems that it just goes on and on and on and on with no end in sight. I seriously don't get how a person can cause so much destruction in the lives of others and get away with it? It saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me. And yet, I am glad it is not me. I would rather not be responsible for pain in people's lives and be allowed to get away with it, and in God's name nonetheless! God PLEASE keep me accountable!

Caffeine Update

Just thought an update on my caffeine journey was in order. I posted a few months ago that my doctor wanted me to give up caffeine, and I got mad and scared among other things, because, well, I love caffeine and coffee especially. I thought it was going to be a terrible experience and so on and so forth. Well, God is good! I am limiting myself to one cup of coffee in the morning and for the most part that is it for caffeine for the day. I did not go completely off of the stuff, although I do think if I had some serious reason to, I could. My minor heath issue has pretty much been corrected and I generally do not get headaches anymore. I really was fretting over this one, and had come to the conclusion that it was really and idolatry issue and rebellion. Caffeine had become too important, and by golly, no one was going to tell me to give up ANYTHING! Ouch! In spite of my worst fears, the experience has been really quite easy. There are things to drink that do not have caffiene! :)
I have learned something about myself through all of this. And I have learned about fear too. Satan would like us to believe that the things we fear are OH SO BAD AND OH SO TERRIBLE, that it (whatever "it" is) becomes incredibly magnified for us. We become paralyzed. I feared giving this stuff up, and God met me there. Not only can I be obedient, I can benefit from the experience in ways I would have never guessed. WOW!

Safe

I saw several spots in time today when one or more of my girls was looking to me for safety...wanting to make sure when I would be home if they were alone for awhile(12 year old), hopping into my bed since daddy is gone tonight and there is a thunderstorm brewing (10 year old), wanting me to pick the raspberries because there were too many "pokies" (5 year old). It struck me as so odd that here I have these little (or not so little) ones looking to me to protect and keep them safe when I have my own batches of fears and insecurities, and yet they don't see those. I am simply put-their protector! Not that this is a new concept for me, but it was seemingly exaggerated today, and oh so sweet. I have such a short time to protect these ones in a tangible way. Soon it will be only my prayers that can keep them safe and of course the arms of Jesus. For now, I intend to relish in these moments.

Metallurgy Continued

I have been continuing my study of metallurgy and trying to extract what God is trying to show me through this. Some of this is very confusing, and some is crystal clear. I had a vague recollection of this scene from Terminator II, and again I find some of the spiritual implications to be fascinating. I cannot "self terminate"....hmm (By the way, the music is amazing too--composer is Brad Fidel).

Metallurgy

Yeah, I know, you are probably wondering if I am going back to school for a degree in engineering? Well, not technically. Some time ago, I had a wild dream about a molten tank of some metal compound. Somehow, I was in charge of it. There was some emergency and I was called to action.....very strange! I asked the Lord what the meaning of the dream was and He told me that I was a metallurgist. I tried to study it a bit and really did not get very far. Besides that, it is a very technical science and therefore very confusing to the lay person! Jeremy reminded me of that word God gave me and I was inspired to try again. I went to Wikipedia (love that site) and typed in metallurgy. I tell you God was showing me stuff through that study. At one point I even started to cry....and at another I said aloud...I don't want to be one of these people, because I was seeing the spiritual implications. Now I feel that I am on a quest to understand this assignment. Wow, God is so strange sometimes. Who would have thought that He would give an English major a metallurgy job?

Rainy Day

It should come as absolutely no surprise to me that the first official day of summer break is a RAINY DAY! Wow, it is amazing when you take kids who are used to a regimen that all of the sudden have little to none. They have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves! We have done everything from mindless eating, making greeting cards to swimming in the rain. And 5 seconds later...yep, you guessed it, they are bored! I know this will get better after a few weeks. Perhaps I need to think of a summer regimen? Or sort of anyway. I am not a mom who thinks that kids must have a strict schedule all of their days. Regimen is great, but for Pete's sake, they have earned the ability to be bored and disheveled for awhile :)

Bittersweet

This life we live is such a dichotomy sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if we aren't all bipolar, but some of us just need meds. Fortunately I am not needing meds, but boy some days, I would love a diagnosis to disappear into.
Today is such a bittersweet day. We graduated a gal from the Selah program as of yesterday, and let me tell you, she is a testimony to how God can defy the odds in a person's life! Who the world thought was a lost cause, God proves once again that is NEVER true!
And then there is her sister who also came to live here. This one is seeming to make it her mission to prove just how dysfunctional she can be and become the living embodiment of what her (growing up) home environment has programmed her to be. She has gained success in this respect. And so, today, we have the "privilege" of discharging her as well.
Two sisters, within one day, discharged from the program. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to roll with this craziness of emotions?
We know both decisions are right. My temptation is to hold on 'till the death. But I know I have to let go. They both go with God. We have done our part. Glory to God that there is no such thing as a lost cause or a lost life. Please pray for these sisters as they find their way. It appears that the one has a long, hard road ahead of her.

Aaahhhh....true love

True love is letting them walk home in the thunderstorm after they have run away and setting the gauze and antibiotic on the counter to help soothe the blisters on their feet (because they ran away in dress sandals).

So Serioius

As I have looked over my posts, I realize that I am loving the opportunity to process the stuff that goes on in my head and heart. But another thing I have realized is that I have been "blessed" with the gift of being really serious like almost all of the time. I put in the empahsis, because it is a blessing, but in some venues it is a curse. For instance with my parenting. I am too serious and forget or neglect to be playful and just have fun with my kids. So anyway, I need to get serious about not being so serious. Someone has got to help me have some fun! :)

Its 12:00, do you know where all of your household members are?

"My life is going to Hell!" she shouted at anyone who was listening. These were the words of my now missing (again) household member. This was on the tail-end of a pretty intense meeting where this person learned that their rights are going to be further restricted. Wow, the truth in those words! "Yes your life is going to Hell if you keep going down this path you are on!" is what I would have liked to yell in return (if I weren't wanting to avoid a bigger scene in this public setting). I have so much love an compassion for this one, and yet she frustrates the heck out of me! So much potential unrealized, so many lies believed, and so defensive of her poor choices!

But wow, as I ponder her response, I really wonder if I am much different. When my "rights" get restricted I whine and pi** and moan too. I shift blame to those who are making my life miserable. I pout and I get angry and I run too. My running is not literal, but just as significantly wrong and unhealthy. Please pray for this one to keep running, and if you listen to this song, you will understand what I mean.

No caffeine....no headaches?

So as you all know, I have been doing this whole caffeine wean down thing. What I thought would be my worst nightmare...OK, that is a wee bit strong, has really not been bad! Weird thing I noticed today. I used to consume pretty fair amounts of caffeine, and would suffer with headaches at least 3x per week. I never made a connection until now that I have not had headaches since I have weaned down. Generally I have ONE cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning and the rest of the day is caffeine free stuff and I have been headache free! I'm not sure of this, but if I had a bonified dependency (aka, addiction) going on , then it makes sense that my body is not screaming for the stuff! Wow, kicking the idols has some pretty sweet benefits! And I have not died!

Liar Liar

My friend and I have been meeting weekly with no real agenda other than hearing eachother's hearts and encouraging each other to grow, move forward in Christ and to pray for eachother. Our time has been very rich and unencumbered by the demands of a "small group." One of our challenges for eachother has been to really take a look at how we talk and respond to people. How often do we not say what we should, or say some benign thing like' "I'm good!" when that is so NOT TRUE, or we play Minnesota nice, or manipulate our words, or just flat out lie for the sake of ______________, you fill in the blank. So, inspired by the movie Liar Liar by Jim Carey, we have taken the challenge to at least one time this week be gut level honest with someone that we maybe normally would not be. That might mean confronting some long buried issue, or if they ask something like "How does my makeup look?" They might get a surprising answer. The point is not to be mean and spiteful, but to work on our integrity of speech and action. Give it a try. You will be surprised at how much we do manipulate our words and actions to give appearances, which in plain speech is lying. This clip is from Liar Liar. The movie has some inappropriate spots to get the point across, but overall it has a great message. So duck the cuss words and enjoy!

Broken

You maybe have all heard this song by Lifehouse. This is an older song, but one of my all time favorites. This particular version live is awesome. Jason, the lead singer really puts a ton of emotion into it which makes it even more meaningful. Listen to the lyrics carefully. We have all been here, and dare I say we need to go again and again.

Talk to your kids....a lot!

So my 4 year old is a non-stop talker. And so many times I have to just let her go, answering every other question and comment on every one I can catch without losing my mind. There are literally times that I have to tell her, "Lydia, I just don't want to talk anymore!" She has no idea that it takes A LOT of talking for me to get to that point. Anyway, the other day we were on our way home from a doctor appointment and I needed her to stay awake for the ride so she would still get a nap when we got home. The topics that interest her most are....puke, blood, and poop. So we had to talk about these faves so she would stay awake. Wow, she even had our 75 year old friend telling puke stories. Then we ran out of real stories and had to make a few up! Eventually, we were repeating so we changed to the subject of "the hops." For some reason, she has always thought that cops are "hops", and so, it is a common household name for us. Anyway, long story short, she and I practiced 911 calls taking turns being the "hops" and the people needing help. It was hilarious. What was cool though, is I realized that all of that talking we have done over the years has paid off. She really does take this stuff in and gets it! So many times I have thought it was mindless chatter. If I weren't one born with the gift of gab, I might have been tempted to blow her off and just not talk about all of this stuff ALL DAY long. Cool thing, is that this chatter could some day save a life. Amazing!

Brave and Honest

I just came home from seeing Robin Hood. A friend invited Jeremy and I, and so we went. I really had no great expectations, but I did love the Robin Hood: Prince of Theives movie that came out when I was in high school, so I figured it was worth a shot. If nothing more, I wanted to compare the two to see how they paired up. Long story short, this was a great movie.

At one point in the movie, the king wanted to go out among the soldiers and find just one honest man. He cloaked himself to remain anonymous and went on his search. There is a scuffle between Robin and another man and as a result the king's cover is blown. Every man bows low when they realize it is the king and there is silence. He confronts Robin and his enemy and asks who is responsible for the fight. Robin answers first and says , "It was I your majesty; I threw the first punch." The king tells his assistant "Here he is, brave and honest." The story line goes on, but I was struck by this scene. I was reminded of 2 Chronicles 16:9, "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

I want to be like Robin! I want my King to seek me out, and find me even at the moment of my foolishness as one whose heart is fully committed to Him. And while I am bowed low, I want Him to say of me that I am "brave and honest." Robin goes on to be a well respected man of war, though a common thief..........hmmmm, things to ponder.

Crap or get off the pot!

So, as I have been contemplating what to blog lately, I have found myself hesitating to write things that someone might read and be offended. That is one downfall I think to this whole blogging thing, is that it is your personal stuff that you are putting out there for others' scrutiny. But then again, maybe it's a good thing, because if we are going to be real (in this genre), and in others, then we need to put the people pleasing aside, and take the leap. I am far too worried about what people think, and am always trying to maneuver to make sure no one is offended. It has to stop! So here goes--this is what is on my mind. I am working with a few ladies that both are great at verbalizing that they know what they need to do BUT DON'T DO IT! AARGH! If you REALLY want change....then crap or get off the pot!

If I were Eve

We were talking in our "Growth Groups" at church (basically adult Sunday school group) about choices. Of course the discussion of Adam and Eve in the garden was top on the list. Why, when everything was perfect, and there was only ONE choice for evil that could be made, did Eve and/or Adam even feel any sort of lack that they would desire to make that ONE wrong choice? Further, they were TIGHT with God! I mean they were in daily, intimate fellowship with their Father, their maker, their friend. They lacked nothing; they had to work for nothing, and yet why did they feel the need to choose that one bad thing, when every other choice they could make was good!? It is frustrating to the point that some of us have become Eve bashers. Us women, of course, sit back and think (because we would never voice this of course), "Well, if I were Eve, I would have........(you fill in the blank with whatever self righteous nonsense you would like)." Some men among us, use the story to point to their gender superiority and to the seductress's poor choices due to her intellectual and spiritual weakness. I have fallen prey to these theories and have certainly wanted to believe that I would have done things very differently if I were Eve. And another question, why would Eve have given in so quickly and thoroughly to the serpents suggestion? Frankly, I don't think it was as we have been led to believe it all of this time. Genesis 3:6 says "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it." Apply some imagination to this text for a minute. Eve had everything she needed. She did not lack for food or beauty, but yet look at those justifications. She had the wisdom of GOD available to her at any time, but yet she figured she needed more. Ask yourself why in the context of your own life. I think the imagination we need to apply to this text is to put ourselves in the story. If you or I are in intimate fellowship with the Lord, knowing we lack for nothing, will we be quick to listen and buy the lies of the enemy? No way! I don't think this was a one time conversation she had with the serpent. Now before you call me a heretic, really think about this. If she was tight with God, it would be very hard to convince her of a lie. She would have called it out, like we do, renounce the lie and moved on. I personally think there was a slow erosion, the enemy whispering in her ear for a long span of time, and after awhile, she bought the lie and changed the course of history because of it. WE DO THE SAME THING!!! Do you usually buy a lie of the enemy like right now, real time, if you are in fellowship with the Lord? No, it usually takes the slow erosion. Remember, "the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord had made." With a one time conversation, do we really buy that he won Eve over?! I like to not give him that much credit, and nor do I think he is that lucky! Bottom line, we probably would have done the same thing as Eve.

Give up what???!!!!

So on Wednesday I have an extremely intense time of discussion and prayer with Sarah regarding idolatry and repentance. Ouch! And should I be surprised that on Thursday I am called to give up a thing, item, comfort, coping mechanism.....ok I'll talk straight, AN IDOL?! I went to the doctor with some female issues that I won't give you the gore on here, BUT, his orders??? You won't even believe it? Well. I don't. He says "Give up caffeine, chocolate, and reduce salt." Okay, my first reaction was okay, this is going to be hard. But the more I wrestled with it, I became....are you ready for this?.....ANGRY!!!! I mean ticked off bad! I have a love for coffee. I am a drinker by necessity and a social drinker as well. Coffee is a comfort for me and the caffeine is a major bonus [love]. As I worked with this I noticed the anger, and the idea of loss, and all of the sudden I have had an epiphany. This is a major hit to my flesh, and my flesh is screaming right now, because why? It hurts to trash our idols. It hurts to have our flesh worked over, and God is faithful. He heard my prayers, and He is taking me at my word. Idols take a lot of time to fashion. We put a lot of ourselves and our love into them, and we love them. But God does and will ask us to trash them if we seek after Him. Yikes....now if you excuse me, I am going to enjoy [loathe] my freshly brewed cup of DECAF coffee.

Chewing

I am chewing on some pretty sobering stuff...OK, more like choking, and right now it is just nice to have my pajama bottoms and sweatshirt on with my warm fuzzy cat next to me licking my finger.....

Better than a Hallelujah

So I have been dealing with some pretty broken people lately, and for the most part that is fine. The problem with that for me is I can so easily forget that I also need permission to be broken sometimes. My kids need me to be strong, the hubby can't function quite right if I'm vulnerable, and the chicks of Selah need me to be level headed too. So if I have to have a meltdown, I guess it is either not allowed, or I have to scream into a rather large pillow. Not sure if either works.... Anyway, the hubby encouraged me to really listen to the lyrics to this song which I had avoided because all I could think of was El Shaddi! After I got over the initial criticism of the artist, I heard a woman who spoke with experience and depth. She must have been there a few times. The lyrics are amazing! Have a listen and enjoy or have your own meltdown if needed...whatever God inspires!

Why do they grow up and show us ourselves?

We've all heard every parent lament about how we so wish our kids would grow up (some days), and lo and behold they do. Then we are sad that they've grown and want them to be little again, right? Some days, we wish they could act more maturely, think more maturely, and understand things in a more mature way. So I give a resounding yes to all of this, but tonight I saw another aspect in my child that made me think of another reason we kind of resent this growing up thing our kids do. It goes beyond the "Awwww, remember when you were little and......" moments. As they do grow, they have more sophisticated ways about them, and that includes how they get angry. There was a minor dispute tonight between Dad and child. Child then becomes enraged, I mean like name calling her dad and wishing she could toss something at him kind of enraged over a really teeny tiny thing that he had done in jest. She then goes into a 20 or more minute pout, an angry pout. So then I, super mom, decide to let her cool down. All the while I am boiling and frustrated at her. So I go upstairs, chew her a new rear end, come downstairs and have an epiphany. I told her she needed to grow up, but lo and behold, she already has. She is having a big girl tantrum, very similar to the ones that ....ummmm.....I have. I saw myself in her. Long and short of it, child was frustrated throughout the day because she is on a semi-grounding which is rather undefined. So with the various requests that came from her lips today, we considered and then gave them all a "No." Amazingly, she seemed to roll with it pretty good, but what I think happened tonight is a girl who really was mad at mom and dad all day, but never really put her finger on it. And in the end, it came out backwards, and those that she loves end up being hurt. I do this all of the time, and I soooo saw myself in my young lady tonight. WOW, they do grow up and become just like us....even in the icky ways :( Note to self: deal with the frustration at the start, and then the ones I love don't have to suffer later!

Why blog?

I have been historically leary of blogging for on main reason. Believe me, it's not because I am so pious. It really is because I have a high enough opinion of myself in an insecure kind of way--if that makes sense. And I question "Just who do I think I am anyway?" Why do we put our thoughts and ramblings and private stuff out there in such a public way? Is it our way of venting, purging, and exploring? Or is it our way of displaying our self-importance? I have had to ask myself these questions and I think they are good questions for any of us that are cult followers of ANY blog, or who feel the need to blog ourselves. So have I found an answer? For myself, I think the reason I would blog is found in both possibilities that I have proposed. I love to express myself in writing, but rarely take the time. I have found it a helpful way to collect my thoughts, and vent as well. But to put it out there like this is a possible pitfall of self importance for me too. Long and short, I'm gonna give this a whirl and see where it goes.